Friday, March 12, 2010
♥ empty promises
Labels: boyfriend, emotions, problems, relationships
11:13 PM
Monday, March 1, 2010
♥ sugarcoating & honesty
sugarcoating.
talking to david today, and sharing with him what happened to me last week, made me think about a few things...
do you prefer a sugarcoated reality, or the truth?
take a moment to just think about what kind of friends you have.
are they the ones who would stop you and make you rethink making a decision that they see as bad?
or would they just have this feeling that its a bad decision, but are too scared to approach you about it.
it kinda makes me think about the movie 'valentines day'.
the boy has this proposal all planned out, and finally one morning (which just happened to be valentines day) proposes to his girlfriend. he rocks up to work so happy, so excited, so ready to tell all his workmates and friends the good news. and they're all surprised that she said yes. they really weren't expecting it.
later in the movie, he drops by home to leave her a box with the most beautiful flower on the bed as a surprise... only to see her still at home, and not at work... with suitcases half filled with her clothes. she's not ready for commitment. and they break up that day.
the thing is, as the movie progresses, he finds out that his closest friends were expecting that. his best friend didn't think she was the right girl for him. yet none of these friends told him. none of his friends was honest with their opinion. and he ended up getting his heart broken.
so a part of me just thinks to myself... how important good friends are.
you know. good friends. not just the nice friends, that hug you and pat you on the back, and make you feel good about yourself... but the ones who are honest with you. the ones who go beyond niceness, but rather, help you to see things you may not see, or pull you out of trouble.
but then i wonder... if his best friend had told him what she thought about their relationship... would he have listened? it would hurt a lot wouldn't it? would he stop and think before proposing. or make excuses like 'ohhh she just doesn't want me to be with her because she's scared of losing me as a friend" and not stop to think tof maybe the other reasons why she doesn't.
you know, friends are there to support you through anything right? but i don't think that should mean not confronting.
if my best mate was about to make a decision that i thought was a bad one. i wouldn't be okay with just letting him do so. i would confront him about it. talk to him about it. tell him why i see things this way. and question his way of seeing the situation. i wouldn't just let him make a decision that i percieved as a mistake. and there is no doubt that at times i will be wrong and he will be right. but at least he ends up thinking more about it.
and you know, its that kinda honestly that differs being good to being nice.
but if he chooses to ignore my advice and make his decision. thats fine. i may not support his decision. but i will still support him as a friend, and i will still be there for him every step of the way, if he falls, and if he doesn't.
i guess this doesn't apply to everyone. i've realized people percieve friends differently. josh and chris require a certain level of constant and consistent contact to be deemed as friends... where as i, if the relationship is already established, as long as i feel like i can approach them and tell them my problems, then they're still my friends.
people will have different definitions for a good friend. but mine goes along the lines of... if i were about to make a bad decision. and they saw it. and they felt that it was bad. they'd say something. they'd tell me. or even if it was just something i asked them. they would be honest. they would tell me the truth.
and you know. sometimes hearing the truth hurts. and sometimes its not as appreciated as nice-ness is. which is why many just prefer to be nice.
my boyfriend stopped putting effort into seeing each other during the first few days of uni. i understood that he was busy and had work to do, and that was cool. because i value education too. and i want him to study.
but when we did get the opportunity to meet up, we weren't really meeting up. timmie thinks it was a miscommunication issue. josh thinks it was a misinterpretation issue.
it sounds pretty silly. but basically when he said that he'd meet me at 2, i wasn't expecting to spend the next hour sitting next to him in the library while he did his assignment, then following him and his friends to print stuff. i totally understand if he has work to do, but in a sense i just wish he had told me he did, so i could have done other things like meet up with other people etc. i guess i just wasn't expecting what i ended up getting.
we sorta got in a mini fight, and looking back it sounds pretty stupid (geez, teeeeeeeenagers) but i asked him if he just felt he had to see me to make me happy. i asked him why it seemed like he wasn't putting any effort in. i asked him if he even looks forward to seeing me like he use to.
and you know. the truth hurts. and at that time, i was soo upset. so annoyed. so angry.
but he was honest. and i appreciate that. i appreciate that he had the guts to tell me the truth and not sugarcoat it.
so when i was talking to david today, he got quite annoyed that josh would say such things. he said something along the lines of like, if a pregnant women asks you if she's fat, do you say yes?
haha. and you know i found myself defending josh. no matter how hurt i had felt that day, he was being honest. he was being truthful. and from there, at least we could work on things, we could work on our relationship.
otherwise, i would never know the truth. and eventually, i think it would wear a relationship down. when you keep that sorta stuff to yourself. at least we can look at us, and go... okay, we're like this. what happened? how do we fix it? how do we work through this together?
and you know. if i think about it, over the past year, my boyfriend has been the one to ask the questions no one else is brave enough to ask.
for example. i don't get into med. second year in a row now. im devo. everyone tells me that it's okay. that there's always next year. he's the only one who asks me if i'm still sure that it's what i want, if it's right for me.
sure, sometimes he has horrific timing, and it doens't always come across nicely... and a majority of the time i don't take it too well.
but like the guy in Valentine's Day... who's best friend didn't tell him what she thought about the proposal...
i don't want to have to look him in the eye and ask him whyy he didn't tell me what he thought when i still could have done something about it.
the honesty hurts. but i think i'm learning to appreciate it more.
Labels: boyfriend, friends, honesty, movies, relationships
12:04 AM
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
♥ superficial comfort barrier
i think i get it now
we both have friends.
and i know that i could tell my closest friends anything i wanted
but when it comes down to more than just whats happening, when it comes down to feelings and emotions...
the truth is that i don't want to confide in anyone else but him.
maybe it's because they won't understand like he will...
they won't respond, comfort, support, encourage, like he will...
i haven't broken that superificial comfort barrier with a lot of people yet. you know the kind where they just pat you on the back. or take you out for icecream when you're down... rather than hold you as you cry and just listen to you babble. the comfort barrier, it's still there with many. it's not their fault. i've very rarely opened up enough to anyone like that to be able to break it to start with.
even with my best friend. it still takes a night out with icecream or waffles before we actually get to real 'talking about the actual issue' bit
where as he... he confides in his friends every day.
maybe he's broken past that superficial barrier, if not, at least more so that i. if he needed to cry to someone or have someone pray for him, i rekon he'd have at least one or two friends he could call.
where as me? he'd would be the only one i wouldn't hesitate to call. doesn't help if i'm crying over him to start with though.
and so, as much as i love my best friend, i would still hesitate. because i don't think my best friend would know how to deal with a crying girl on the phone. i don't think many people would. it's not the best thing to put someone through.
the worst bit is that, if i lose that comfort in confiding in him, if i begin to hesitate before contacting him. i'm sorta left... with noone. obviously my fault, because i should break that superficial barrier with people.
so today, i had my emo phase.because i felt like i couldn't talk to him. that i did begin to hesitate... and then... ... it was like... i had no one to call.
was bit of a reality check. time to break some superficial comfort barriers maybe? or find out why i lost that comfort in confiding in him, and fix it...
Labels: boyfriend, emo, emotions, friends, relationships
12:18 AM
Monday, February 8, 2010
♥ i want to tell you
over the past few days, even weeks, it feels like he's not even there...
i know part of it is my fault. the days he's wanted to talk, i wasn't in the mood.
and the days i've tried to talk to him, he's either busy with things or tired from being busy.
there's so many things i want to say.
to share how excited i am about starting up a leos club, and how glad i am lighthouse will be there to back me up
to share how upset i was this morning when my mother was so upset and was just shouting, that i just grabbed her before i left and hugged her, both crying on each others shoulders.
to show how annoyed and upset i am, at disorganised people
to share how confused and uncertain i am about my future
to share how much i hate the dust that made me sneeze today while cleaning my room
to share how ugly i look on that yoty booklet i found today
it's not that i don't have anyone to share this with. i could call up an, and tell him everything. i could reopen that msn conversation with louis, and tell him everything. i could change the topic of the skype conversation with david, and tell him everything.
but it wouldn't be the same. they wouldn't understand like you do. they wouldn't comfort me like you do. i want to tell you.
but i know that when you call tomorrow... i won't have anything to say. because that's what happens when i'm like this. i no longer feel that excitement i had about this. the annoyedness i had about that. the hate. the confusion. the tears.
it all just fades away, as i listen to your voice, and wonder how we ended up so far apart.
Labels: boyfriend, life, me, relationships
12:12 AM
Monday, January 18, 2010
♥ the pointless wait.
i spent all afternoon and night next to my laptop. even when i was watching tv, i had it on the table in front of me..
waiting for him to come online. i was tired and sleepy. but i stayed awake anyways. because we always talk before we go to bed.
and i waited and waited.
only to recieve a call from a boy who was sad because he had no one to talk to and was jealous that his friend got to play with this other girl. and he didn't.
how sad.
and even more so, because i feel like nothing.
i really need to get a life.
Labels: boyfriend, life, me, relationships
11:09 PM
Saturday, December 5, 2009
♥ change
i hate how things have changed.
and i don't like how they are.
what to do?
as time passes, people change. the things people value change. the things they care about change. the things they do change. their habits. likes. dislikes. people start to not care what others think. others begin to care.
what once was. no longer is. what was never there. appears. what sacrifices you would once make. you stop making. what was once a priority. no longer is. what you once devoted time effort and love to. begins to lack motivation.
so yes. you may think you really know someone. how they will react or think. but they change. will it still be the same?
and you must remember... you have changed too. don't you see it?
i don't really know what i want anymore. and i don't really know what to do either.
i hope i never become someone who cares more about what others will think, than what those closest to me feel. because to me, it's those who are closer to me that matter more, then people who don't know or understand me.
anyways thats my little rant.
now to rest.
Labels: boyfriend, friends, life, me, relationships
12:28 AM
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
♥ three words
there is such a precious three words, that i taught myself not to say so much. until i found this boy.
this morning i woke up, and felt like blogging about how i feel. about how we might be falling apart. about how what happened to her this time last year... could happen to me this time this year. is it him? or is it me? could i be better?
my heart is hurt, and by habit i want to push that pain away. but it is because of those three words that carry much meaning, that causes me to put up with it. that book i'm reading (but stopped temporarily), tells me to change... to be better... to chase... to love... to win. but i am not in a marriage. and i don't know if i can do that. even if those three words are true.
i went to my blog home page earlier and on my blog updates was this verse that someone had put on their blog...
“Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” – Phillipines 4:6-7 (NLT)
i need that peace right now.
9:51 AM
Sunday, November 1, 2009
♥ the orange squinting bf
after a chat last night, i'm glad things are getting somewhat becoming normal again.
and yes, becoming.
i had forgiven him on that monday. forgiveness wasn't the problem... it was just being able to let go and move on.
the next thirty eight days will still be different. it will definately be back to basics. simplicity i should hope. reminds me of nearly a year ago, when things were still so new.
a focus on the other parts of our lives, and not so much ignoring, forgetting and trying to let go of each other.
oh another note. engaged in a very insightful conversation with pastor today about all those controversies that got me very heated up during sma. must write an email to bev/nathan about it after exams...
found myself scrambling through my bible during worship today. it was good. words, verses... kept popping up in my mind.
haha. josh was in the paper today. squinty eyes much xD? ahaha reminds me again of last year when i was flicking through his fb and his eyes were closed in like every picture x)
my sister waas like.. "why is he wearing orange? why is he squinting? he looks like a pokemon"
anyways. i remember him coming back from that applic exam and complaining to me about it. ppfttt.
i do however think that shirt is more pinkish than orange?
it's okay. i still love my squinting eyed boyfriend =)
Labels: boyfriend, relationships, sma, sunday sermon
2:14 PM
Saturday, October 24, 2009
♥ windy pathways
is the naive the word i'm looking for?
i was studying social pscyhology the other day and it talked about how first impressions usually last, because if they're bad then we don't usually associate with that person anymore and also avoid the people around them.
lasting impressions. usually with someone we know well, when they say something or do something you don't like, you often let it go, because you believe you know them well enough that maybe they're just having a bad day or whatever.
but i guess people change. or rather, we continously get to know them more, and maybe it was more than just a bad day, but it's really what they think or who they are.
and maybe thats still okay. i think friendship is flexible like that. everyone changes after all.
but when it comes to relationships i think its different.
my husband and i will become one. we will share the rest of our life together.
he would need to be one who respects me, cares about, loves me and wants to be with me.
he will need to share the same values and beliefs as me...
maybe not always the same attitudes...
david asked me the other day if i thought josh was "the one".. *DADDADUMM*
and without hesitation i said yes.
technically i'm still a teenager. a teenagers naivity maybe?
i don't think a husband will treat his wife like he would have treated her when she was his girlfriend.
i'm starting to see and learn about the views josh has about marriage. and to be honest, i'm not sure if i entirely agree as such.
i'm starting to question what kind of husband he will be. and i'm not crazy. at least i think so.
but i think for now i should stop being so sure about things. so straight pathed about things. so simple minded. so naive.
kinda like medicine i rekon. i was so sure. and i thought i knew how to go about it. but the path isn't straight. its actually taken quite a few bends...
and i still don't know yet if i'd end up where i thought i would.
Labels: boyfriend, friends, future, marriage, medicine, naive, psyc, relationships
10:20 AM
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
♥ Life Without Limbs
josh held his own lil bible study group today at uni. just with a few friends. starting off with God's grace.
i admire his heart for his friends and wish i had the same courage in a way. especially when it comes down to my own family...
you know that saying, quality over quanitity... okay, so it doesnt make sense since he has OVER A THOUSAND FACEBOOK FRIENDS. but of the actual friends he talks to on a constant basis... he has a really close bond to them.
it's weird in a way. because i would look at his relationships with his friends, and then i'd look at the relationships i have with my friends... and they are totally different. like different types of friendships. each with their own advantages i guess.
anyways, here's a vid about a guy born with no limbs.
i really like the part where he says that we always blame God for the things we don't have... and not thank God for the things we do. it makes you think...
happy watching :)
Labels: bible, boyfriend, fb, friends, God, grace, relationships, uni, youtube
10:58 PM
Thursday, September 10, 2009
♥ o n e
four posts in one day! my apoligies! surely, this will be the worst of it, i hope.
i'm in tears again, but it's okay. good tears, i hope.
today i've been working on chemistry. in preparation for my midsem exam (worth 30%) on monday.
tomorrow i'll head to uni, work on that psyc report that's also due monday (worth 20%)... which i haven't got much done of actually.
anyways i kinda realized i never actually properly explained why i am so emo x) the past few days...
relationships aren't easy. there are always obstacles.
when you become so close to someone, you find yourself changing.
some for the good, some for the bad.
some things are obvious, like the things you wear or the things you eat. you don't change because they make you, but you know it's those little things that make them happy, and it influences you. maybe your opinions and views change, maybe you had a strong hate for a colour or style, and eventually you learn to put up with it.
some things are not so obvious. and the reason i don't have any examples, is because they're not obvious.
for me, i've found that i've been getting upset so easily lately, even over the smallest of things. things that if my mate had told me a year ago that their gf was getting upset over, i would have just been like =.="...
i've found that i am on a continous emotional rollercoaster. my moods swings are insane. and no, i can't always use pms as an excuse. because it's much worse than that.
i've found that i am too emotionally dependent. that there are even nights where i don't sleep. now, how unhealthy and absolutely ridiculous does that sound?! i know, i'm such a tool.i've found that i'm a hypocrite, because the things i hated people doing, i do myself.
There were things i would judge people for, and now its time to judge myself.
to open my eyes and look in the mirror and see who i've become. to think of the person i want to be - the honest, loving, caring person... with a strong, honest, pure, God-filled relationship.
to be reminded of the plans God has for my life. to be reminded of my dreams.
to look where i want to be. and contrast it to where i am. and to find that bridge that will get me there.
s e v e n .
we're cutting contact for seven days. because i need that time. and i think he does too.
today marks the end of day one. and there was so many times where i would check my phone or want to type something on his skype. louis rekons day one is the hardest. but i rekon when i get to those days where i'm back at uni... and they... they will be difficult.
i'm in tears again, but it's okay. good tears, i hope.
today i've been working on chemistry. in preparation for my midsem exam (worth 30%) on monday.
tomorrow i'll head to uni, work on that psyc report that's also due monday (worth 20%)... which i haven't got much done of actually.
anyways i kinda realized i never actually properly explained why i am so emo x) the past few days...
relationships aren't easy. there are always obstacles.
when you become so close to someone, you find yourself changing.
some for the good, some for the bad.
some things are obvious, like the things you wear or the things you eat. you don't change because they make you, but you know it's those little things that make them happy, and it influences you. maybe your opinions and views change, maybe you had a strong hate for a colour or style, and eventually you learn to put up with it.
some things are not so obvious. and the reason i don't have any examples, is because they're not obvious.
for me, i've found that i've been getting upset so easily lately, even over the smallest of things. things that if my mate had told me a year ago that their gf was getting upset over, i would have just been like =.="...
i've found that i am on a continous emotional rollercoaster. my moods swings are insane. and no, i can't always use pms as an excuse. because it's much worse than that.
i've found that i am too emotionally dependent. that there are even nights where i don't sleep. now, how unhealthy and absolutely ridiculous does that sound?! i know, i'm such a tool.i've found that i'm a hypocrite, because the things i hated people doing, i do myself.
There were things i would judge people for, and now its time to judge myself.
to open my eyes and look in the mirror and see who i've become. to think of the person i want to be - the honest, loving, caring person... with a strong, honest, pure, God-filled relationship.
to be reminded of the plans God has for my life. to be reminded of my dreams.
to look where i want to be. and contrast it to where i am. and to find that bridge that will get me there.
s e v e n .
we're cutting contact for seven days. because i need that time. and i think he does too.
today marks the end of day one. and there was so many times where i would check my phone or want to type something on his skype. louis rekons day one is the hardest. but i rekon when i get to those days where i'm back at uni... and they... they will be difficult.
Labels: boyfriend, emo, emotions, exams, God, life, me, relationships, uni
11:54 PM
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
♥ i miss it.
he won my heart over...
with his long letters, sweet emails, thoughtful words.
with his funny (but oh so corny) jokes and child like happiness / excitement.
the first few months, we wanted to spend as much time as we could together, which wasn't much, circumstances permit.
he'd write me emails about how he was going to plan all these outings for us while i was on tour.
we went to the beach, on my stopover at perth during tour. we went to hillaries on vallies day. we went to freo during out long break, in the first few weeks of uni. we went ice skating before he went to america (quite last minute).
the picnic at the park never happened. nor did the mandurah trip.
but it's okay. our relationship isn't about outings. it's more than that.
but it doesn't mean i'm not disappointed.
that he no longer plans anything, and i find myself doing most of it.
that he's no longer as romantic as he was when he was winning me my heart over.
that he's content, just seeing me at the everyday things. like uni. church. and not really anywhere else.
ugh, long term relationships. because this is my longest, i will struggle with these things i think.
but i'm guessing their normal.
the novelty wears off huh? the newness. the butterfly feelings. the melting heart. the excessive bursts of joy and happiness. the heartfelt smss. the surprises. the fun teasing thats not the mean type. the focus on the how wonderful u are (and not how much u need to change). the innocent kind of fun.
i don't demand things. i don't like to. i am content. i love him.
but it doesn't mean i don't miss how it use to be. all those little things. the ones that make me feel special and loved. it's not really important huh, but i miss it anyways.
P.S. that second person on my use-to-hate list, started talking to me today. pretty cool because i wasn't sure how i was going to strike a conversation with her. but i did leave some fb comments to break the ice. and she started the convo asking help abt some uni stuff. pretty cool. thats two down so far, and i can't really think of anyone else at the moment, so thats pretttyy goood.
with his long letters, sweet emails, thoughtful words.
with his funny (but oh so corny) jokes and child like happiness / excitement.
the first few months, we wanted to spend as much time as we could together, which wasn't much, circumstances permit.
he'd write me emails about how he was going to plan all these outings for us while i was on tour.
we went to the beach, on my stopover at perth during tour. we went to hillaries on vallies day. we went to freo during out long break, in the first few weeks of uni. we went ice skating before he went to america (quite last minute).
the picnic at the park never happened. nor did the mandurah trip.
but it's okay. our relationship isn't about outings. it's more than that.
but it doesn't mean i'm not disappointed.
that he no longer plans anything, and i find myself doing most of it.
that he's no longer as romantic as he was when he was winning me my heart over.
that he's content, just seeing me at the everyday things. like uni. church. and not really anywhere else.
ugh, long term relationships. because this is my longest, i will struggle with these things i think.
but i'm guessing their normal.
the novelty wears off huh? the newness. the butterfly feelings. the melting heart. the excessive bursts of joy and happiness. the heartfelt smss. the surprises. the fun teasing thats not the mean type. the focus on the how wonderful u are (and not how much u need to change). the innocent kind of fun.
i don't demand things. i don't like to. i am content. i love him.
but it doesn't mean i don't miss how it use to be. all those little things. the ones that make me feel special and loved. it's not really important huh, but i miss it anyways.
P.S. that second person on my use-to-hate list, started talking to me today. pretty cool because i wasn't sure how i was going to strike a conversation with her. but i did leave some fb comments to break the ice. and she started the convo asking help abt some uni stuff. pretty cool. thats two down so far, and i can't really think of anyone else at the moment, so thats pretttyy goood.
Labels: boyfriend, emotions, friends, hate, love, novelty, outing, relationships
12:31 AM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
♥ my heart will go on
oeovtoplaurocyoesnloeeemfousonyaeckwaomh?
Labels: love, music, relationships, youtube
11:57 PM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
♥ broken through the hate
last week i had a bit of a prompting to start talking to someone.
it was bothering me a bit this week.
and i didnt really know how to go along about it.
how to make it happen. if it would work out. it they would even want to talk to me. if it would cause tension in my other relationships.
but today, after cell group, i realized it's something i shouldn't hold back on.
she was someone i epically raged about a few months ago. i probably even blogged about it, and probably bitched about. haha, theres my inner bad girl.
but over the past month, more so the past few weeks. much has changed.
i thought it might still be too soon, to begin talking, even though we've never talked before. yet there was still so much tension between us...
but i remember in a blog, more recently than the rage one, i wrote about letting go. about not judging someone for their past.
and i told myself i did. and i did. at times it would slip, im human.
but i never put that to action until today. i never tried to fix something that was always broken, in my eyes anyways.
but it turned out well. i'm quite pleased.
you know, i could have just spent the rest of my life ignoring her. but i chose to listen. and i think sometimes we percieve things as just impossible. never did i think i would be able to befriend her.
but now it's a possibility. now the vase is fixed. no longer broken. it's just whether we start using it, like putting flowers in it.
hehe, im pretty happy i listened.
thanks God =)
it was bothering me a bit this week.
and i didnt really know how to go along about it.
how to make it happen. if it would work out. it they would even want to talk to me. if it would cause tension in my other relationships.
but today, after cell group, i realized it's something i shouldn't hold back on.
she was someone i epically raged about a few months ago. i probably even blogged about it, and probably bitched about. haha, theres my inner bad girl.
but over the past month, more so the past few weeks. much has changed.
i thought it might still be too soon, to begin talking, even though we've never talked before. yet there was still so much tension between us...
but i remember in a blog, more recently than the rage one, i wrote about letting go. about not judging someone for their past.
and i told myself i did. and i did. at times it would slip, im human.
but i never put that to action until today. i never tried to fix something that was always broken, in my eyes anyways.
but it turned out well. i'm quite pleased.
you know, i could have just spent the rest of my life ignoring her. but i chose to listen. and i think sometimes we percieve things as just impossible. never did i think i would be able to befriend her.
but now it's a possibility. now the vase is fixed. no longer broken. it's just whether we start using it, like putting flowers in it.
hehe, im pretty happy i listened.
thanks God =)
Labels: exbf/exgf, friends, God, hate, relationships
12:32 AM
Sunday, August 16, 2009
♥ a mate indeed
josh talks about his friends a lot. he tells me how he wishes they were siblings, rather than just friends.
it amazes me sometimes, the close-ness and bond he has with his friends.
it kinda makes me think of my friendships a bit.
anyways today i want to talk about my best mate. i was going to blog about him fri night, but got home too late.
he's really an amazing guy. but we weren't always such good friends.
it started way back in year 2/3, when we were in the same class, i was yr 2, he was yr 3. i had this crush on him back in like year 5 or 6 i think. we didn't talk for two years, once he went to high school, and even the first year i went into high school. we dated when i hit year 9, gosh i still remember that first day we were walking next to each other and his friends ran past and put our hands together. how awkward! ahaha, anyways, it turned out to be quite a disaster, we lasted from the 28 aug (tanya'sbday) to the 6th nov (josh yen's bday). and after that we didn't talk for years.
so it wasn't til upper school, that we actually started talking again. it began really slow. just general chat. it took us a while to get over our iffyness with out past together, it was especially hard, when people would talk about us, like we couldn't just be friends.
we finally broke through it all, and became good (if not better) mates by the time i was in yr 11. two years it took. and many mistakes in between. i kinda felt bad sometimes, because he took quite a bit of crap from his friends.
most of the guys i was with over my high school years were slightly edgey about him. they knew how much he meant to me and how close i was to him. i guess they were scared that i would fall for him again, but by then i had already realized, that we would never work as a couple, that he wasn't what i wanted and that our friendship was so important to me.
i took him to my year 12 ball - as friends, of course. i've been shopping with him countless times. we've gone to eat at the c restaurant. we've gone to parks to play tictactoe. we've gone for bubble tea countless times. we've had sago fights. we've gone for dinner countless times. we collect baby shoes, and he gets the left and i get the right shoe (weird, i know...). my parents buy him gifts when they go overseas. he's been to my dad's workplace christmas function. he looks after my house when we're all away. he lets me drive his car xD.
yeah we've done lots of things. but it's not just the things we do. but it's one of those low maintenance friendships. he'll be on holiday, or i'll be on holiday, and we won't talk to see each other for months. but as soon as we see each other again, it's back to how it always is. i think those kinda friendships come with having known each other for such a long time.
anyways the other night, i was kinda stranded in nb, after not being able to get into justworship at metrochurch. it's a long story, but basically my sister was inside, and i wasn't.
my first person to call? him. and yup he came and saved me, haha. we ended up dropping by burswood, and then eating after in nb.
but like that day made me realize a few things about our friendship. and added are a few other things i've picked up over the years.
1. i can always call him when i need something. and he'll always help me out. (e.g. friday) unless he's like trashed or something and can't drive.
2. i tell him a lot of things, that many other people don't know. and i know i can trust him with that. that he wont tell anyone and that he doesn't judge me either.
3. he rarely gets to the point. really, on days that i message him telling him that i need to talk to him, we basically go out all night to eat or timezone or something, and in the last half an hour he'd be like "so what did u want to talk about". but none the less, friday surprised me. when just before we reached my house, he threw a question at me, that i could not answer while looking at him.
4. haha he was the first person i told when i started dating josh. and i think he was the first i told when i broke up with ken. actually he's usually the first person i tell about most things.
5. sometimes his advice sucks. but it's good to know he listens and is honest with me. and i know that he is worried or concerned about certain things.
7. he drives me everywhere. well, most places. he will always pick me up if i need to be, and he never complains, well to me at least xD. i'll make it up to him, when i get my licence, but i have a feeling he won't like sitting in the car where i'm driving anyways.
8. he dresses well. i think he knows me so well, he'd be able to differentiate between something i would wear and something i wouldn't. i think its because we use to go shopping together so often.
9. he's such a kid sometimes. he likes his toys. esp new toys. he's the kinda guy who would spend more, on exactly the same product, except one looks better than the other... (e.g. this usb he bought once, it costed so much more, but looked cooler... -.-")
10. he's been such a big part of my life, and still is... and i don't really know who could take his place.
and when u have mates like that, how can you not feel blessed?
it amazes me sometimes, the close-ness and bond he has with his friends.
it kinda makes me think of my friendships a bit.
anyways today i want to talk about my best mate. i was going to blog about him fri night, but got home too late.
he's really an amazing guy. but we weren't always such good friends.it started way back in year 2/3, when we were in the same class, i was yr 2, he was yr 3. i had this crush on him back in like year 5 or 6 i think. we didn't talk for two years, once he went to high school, and even the first year i went into high school. we dated when i hit year 9, gosh i still remember that first day we were walking next to each other and his friends ran past and put our hands together. how awkward! ahaha, anyways, it turned out to be quite a disaster, we lasted from the 28 aug (tanya'sbday) to the 6th nov (josh yen's bday). and after that we didn't talk for years.
so it wasn't til upper school, that we actually started talking again. it began really slow. just general chat. it took us a while to get over our iffyness with out past together, it was especially hard, when people would talk about us, like we couldn't just be friends.
we finally broke through it all, and became good (if not better) mates by the time i was in yr 11. two years it took. and many mistakes in between. i kinda felt bad sometimes, because he took quite a bit of crap from his friends.
most of the guys i was with over my high school years were slightly edgey about him. they knew how much he meant to me and how close i was to him. i guess they were scared that i would fall for him again, but by then i had already realized, that we would never work as a couple, that he wasn't what i wanted and that our friendship was so important to me.
i took him to my year 12 ball - as friends, of course. i've been shopping with him countless times. we've gone to eat at the c restaurant. we've gone to parks to play tictactoe. we've gone for bubble tea countless times. we've had sago fights. we've gone for dinner countless times. we collect baby shoes, and he gets the left and i get the right shoe (weird, i know...). my parents buy him gifts when they go overseas. he's been to my dad's workplace christmas function. he looks after my house when we're all away. he lets me drive his car xD.yeah we've done lots of things. but it's not just the things we do. but it's one of those low maintenance friendships. he'll be on holiday, or i'll be on holiday, and we won't talk to see each other for months. but as soon as we see each other again, it's back to how it always is. i think those kinda friendships come with having known each other for such a long time.
anyways the other night, i was kinda stranded in nb, after not being able to get into justworship at metrochurch. it's a long story, but basically my sister was inside, and i wasn't.
my first person to call? him. and yup he came and saved me, haha. we ended up dropping by burswood, and then eating after in nb.
but like that day made me realize a few things about our friendship. and added are a few other things i've picked up over the years.
1. i can always call him when i need something. and he'll always help me out. (e.g. friday) unless he's like trashed or something and can't drive.
2. i tell him a lot of things, that many other people don't know. and i know i can trust him with that. that he wont tell anyone and that he doesn't judge me either.
3. he rarely gets to the point. really, on days that i message him telling him that i need to talk to him, we basically go out all night to eat or timezone or something, and in the last half an hour he'd be like "so what did u want to talk about". but none the less, friday surprised me. when just before we reached my house, he threw a question at me, that i could not answer while looking at him.
4. haha he was the first person i told when i started dating josh. and i think he was the first i told when i broke up with ken. actually he's usually the first person i tell about most things.
5. sometimes his advice sucks. but it's good to know he listens and is honest with me. and i know that he is worried or concerned about certain things.
7. he drives me everywhere. well, most places. he will always pick me up if i need to be, and he never complains, well to me at least xD. i'll make it up to him, when i get my licence, but i have a feeling he won't like sitting in the car where i'm driving anyways.
8. he dresses well. i think he knows me so well, he'd be able to differentiate between something i would wear and something i wouldn't. i think its because we use to go shopping together so often.
9. he's such a kid sometimes. he likes his toys. esp new toys. he's the kinda guy who would spend more, on exactly the same product, except one looks better than the other... (e.g. this usb he bought once, it costed so much more, but looked cooler... -.-")
10. he's been such a big part of my life, and still is... and i don't really know who could take his place.
and when u have mates like that, how can you not feel blessed?
Labels: exbf/exgf, friends, high school, relationships
11:59 PM
Thursday, August 13, 2009
♥ my boyfriend
this is my boyfriend.
he is tall.
he is smart.
he doesn't like to lose.
he doesn't like not being good at things.
he has pretty bad table etiquette.
he plays the piano.
he speaks chinese.
he can swim.
he can do cpr.
he wears bright coloured clothing, and even bright coloured (or glittery) shoes.
he doesn't like being slapped in the face.
he liked to play minesweeper flags on msn.
he wears skinny jeans.
he's still on his Ls, waiting for his six months to be up.
he has a pretty dodgy phone, his LG that is.
he farts unshamelessly around his family and even me.
he bullies his little brother.
he plays basketball.
he plays baddy.
he can be pretty sweet sometimes.
he writes really nice emails and letters.
he use to always has his eyes closed when taking pictures (*blinkblink*) but he's getting better and keeping them open.
he has pretty good handwriting, probably more legible than mine.
he has his msn nickname in pink.
he likes orange and purple and pink.
he was born in perth and he's lived in malaysia and america too.
he makes me smile.
he makes me laugh.
he sometimes makes me upset.
he sometimes makes me cry.
he makes me happy, most of the time, haha.
he doesn't like my flares.
he likes my nails painted. esp black, for some reason.
he likes tshirts.
he likes dimsum.
he likes that zinzukeh stuff, excuse my pronunciation/spelling.
he randomly speaks phrases in other languages.
he randomly says peoples names (well not people, more just like pbvn)
he doesn't really like sandwiches, but he gets them for lunch anyways.
he doesn't like to waste food.
he doesn't like to be late.
he use to be pretty inflexible, but he's changed.
he use to be pretty arrogant too.
he has a past, but don't we all?
he tries to change, even when he doesn't have to.
he use to throw some pretty corny lines at me, but for some reason i thought it was kinda cute in a funny way.
he likes chicken.
he tutors.
he has a blue pencil case, that i bought him, thats why its blue, hehe.
he shares great close bonds with his friends.
he loves God.
he has amazing testimonies of God working in his life.
he loves me.
he is my boyfriend.
and i love him.
he is tall.
he is smart.
he doesn't like to lose.
he doesn't like not being good at things.
he has pretty bad table etiquette.
he plays the piano.
he speaks chinese.
he can swim.
he can do cpr.
he wears bright coloured clothing, and even bright coloured (or glittery) shoes.
he doesn't like being slapped in the face.
he liked to play minesweeper flags on msn.
he wears skinny jeans.
he's still on his Ls, waiting for his six months to be up.
he has a pretty dodgy phone, his LG that is.
he farts unshamelessly around his family and even me.
he bullies his little brother.
he plays basketball.
he plays baddy.
he can be pretty sweet sometimes.
he writes really nice emails and letters.
he use to always has his eyes closed when taking pictures (*blinkblink*) but he's getting better and keeping them open.
he has pretty good handwriting, probably more legible than mine.
he has his msn nickname in pink.
he likes orange and purple and pink.
he was born in perth and he's lived in malaysia and america too.
he makes me smile.
he makes me laugh.
he sometimes makes me upset.
he sometimes makes me cry.
he makes me happy, most of the time, haha.
he doesn't like my flares.
he likes my nails painted. esp black, for some reason.
he likes tshirts.
he likes dimsum.
he likes that zinzukeh stuff, excuse my pronunciation/spelling.
he randomly speaks phrases in other languages.
he randomly says peoples names (well not people, more just like pbvn)
he doesn't really like sandwiches, but he gets them for lunch anyways.
he doesn't like to waste food.
he doesn't like to be late.
he use to be pretty inflexible, but he's changed.
he use to be pretty arrogant too.
he has a past, but don't we all?
he tries to change, even when he doesn't have to.
he use to throw some pretty corny lines at me, but for some reason i thought it was kinda cute in a funny way.
he likes chicken.
he tutors.
he has a blue pencil case, that i bought him, thats why its blue, hehe.
he shares great close bonds with his friends.
he loves God.
he has amazing testimonies of God working in his life.
he loves me.
he is my boyfriend.
and i love him.
Labels: boyfriend, God, love, relationships
12:56 PM
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
♥ who am i
You know how you get those quiz things. and people get to describe you in three words....
or maybe those pictures on facebook, that you can tag people as different personalities or descriptions...
or maybe just those simple birthday cards, where people describe and compliment you.
in year five or six, i got the champagne award. for my bubbly personality.
my year twelve calculus teacher once called me a perfectionist.
i've had people describe me as cheerful, motivated, bright, smart, passionate, confident, independent, daring, loud, friendly, compassionate.
but who i am i now?
those descriptions of me. were they truely who i was, or simply the impression i gave off - what i let people believe. more importantly... do they still define who i am?
so how do i see myself now. very different to be honest. i think my posts are getting a bit repetitive.
so let me cut to the chase.
people change. it's amazing how a mother doesn't get to choose their child. and no matter how much that child changes. a mother will still love her child.
it's amazing how God can love His children, despite how much they may reject Him... how much their relationship with Him changes.
unconditional love is beautiful.
but how about if we take a few step down, and talk about friendships.
you befriend someone because maybe you get along, you share common interests, you like the qualities that the person has. and if that person changes? i guess things might change. you become distant, maybe u distance urself from them, or vice versa - or maybe neither, your lives just go in different directions by itself.
lets take back up.
God chooses to still love us, despite us being sinners.
A mother chooses to still love their child, despite the rejection her child gives her.
A friend chooses to still hold onto that friendship, despite no longer having the common interests and qualities that were once there.
A boyfriend chooses to still love his girlfriend, despite her no longer having those qualities that made him fall in love with her.
At the moment I see myself, as much as i hate to admit it, as attachy, emotional and edgey.
But I can't help how i feel. I can hide it - that's not a problem. and if i chose to do so, then maybe i would be more like i use to be. But where's the truth in that. How is that being honest about my feelings.
I'm quite a wrek at the moment. A lot of things have been getting to me. And when questioned why or how things upset me, I dont even know the answer. I dont get how things that would have hardly bother me a year ago, can impact me so much now. How, if a year ago i had heard of someone else reacting the way i do now, i would have seen them as silly, immature and maybe even stupid.
and really, thats how i feel i am at the moment.
or maybe those pictures on facebook, that you can tag people as different personalities or descriptions...
or maybe just those simple birthday cards, where people describe and compliment you.
in year five or six, i got the champagne award. for my bubbly personality.
my year twelve calculus teacher once called me a perfectionist.
i've had people describe me as cheerful, motivated, bright, smart, passionate, confident, independent, daring, loud, friendly, compassionate.
but who i am i now?
those descriptions of me. were they truely who i was, or simply the impression i gave off - what i let people believe. more importantly... do they still define who i am?
so how do i see myself now. very different to be honest. i think my posts are getting a bit repetitive.
so let me cut to the chase.
people change. it's amazing how a mother doesn't get to choose their child. and no matter how much that child changes. a mother will still love her child.
it's amazing how God can love His children, despite how much they may reject Him... how much their relationship with Him changes.
unconditional love is beautiful.
but how about if we take a few step down, and talk about friendships.
you befriend someone because maybe you get along, you share common interests, you like the qualities that the person has. and if that person changes? i guess things might change. you become distant, maybe u distance urself from them, or vice versa - or maybe neither, your lives just go in different directions by itself.
lets take back up.
God chooses to still love us, despite us being sinners.
A mother chooses to still love their child, despite the rejection her child gives her.
A friend chooses to still hold onto that friendship, despite no longer having the common interests and qualities that were once there.
A boyfriend chooses to still love his girlfriend, despite her no longer having those qualities that made him fall in love with her.
At the moment I see myself, as much as i hate to admit it, as attachy, emotional and edgey.
But I can't help how i feel. I can hide it - that's not a problem. and if i chose to do so, then maybe i would be more like i use to be. But where's the truth in that. How is that being honest about my feelings.
I'm quite a wrek at the moment. A lot of things have been getting to me. And when questioned why or how things upset me, I dont even know the answer. I dont get how things that would have hardly bother me a year ago, can impact me so much now. How, if a year ago i had heard of someone else reacting the way i do now, i would have seen them as silly, immature and maybe even stupid.
and really, thats how i feel i am at the moment.
Labels: boyfriend, God, parents, relationships, self image, sin
7:09 PM
Monday, August 10, 2009
♥ porridge and tulips
the other day after church, i dropped by the girls night at phebes
it was already pretty late, but something ry said made me laugh quite a bit.
so, there are three kinds of guys.
the first guy who, when his girlfriend is sick... buys porridge for her.
the second guy, is one who, when his girlfriend is sick... cooks porridge for her.
and the third guy, is one who... does neither.
=) dropped by shops today, tulips are in seasons. aren't they're kinda pretty. even though they're from woolies. i haven't seen tulips for years now that i think of it.
it was already pretty late, but something ry said made me laugh quite a bit.
so, there are three kinds of guys.
the first guy who, when his girlfriend is sick... buys porridge for her.
the second guy, is one who, when his girlfriend is sick... cooks porridge for her.
and the third guy, is one who... does neither.
=) dropped by shops today, tulips are in seasons. aren't they're kinda pretty. even though they're from woolies. i haven't seen tulips for years now that i think of it.
Labels: flowers, food, relationships
11:03 PM
♥ read my mind
there are certain things that i value.
certain things that i want.
certain things that are important to me.
the world doesn't revolve around me. i dont always get what i want. i usually get upset or angry at those who stand in the way of what i want...
it's hard to understand me sometimes. i know it must be. some of the time i put up with things, despite not being happy about it. content, maybe. dissapointed, maybe. but you dont always get the things u want. things dont always go the way u want.
i wonder if people knew what made other people upset. if they knew what they wanted. or their preferences or whatever... that they understood everything about that person completely to the point that person would never be upset. but then again, people can't read minds. and if they did, they might end up disappointed or discontent because they themselves will give up things for the happiness of others.
so really, its not possible. to read minds. unless ur some superhero with cool powers.
in reality. we need to just be honest i guess.
but sometimes i wish someone could just read my mind. or maybe just pick it up with some common sense. to save me from having to be honest. because its not easy.
when you say something. it kinda turns into a bigger deal. it's not as suttle. and idk sometimes i just feel stupid for being honest. because i think that sometimes its just... obvious. maybe even logical.
spare me the trouble. read my mind. thanks.
certain things that i want.
certain things that are important to me.
the world doesn't revolve around me. i dont always get what i want. i usually get upset or angry at those who stand in the way of what i want...
it's hard to understand me sometimes. i know it must be. some of the time i put up with things, despite not being happy about it. content, maybe. dissapointed, maybe. but you dont always get the things u want. things dont always go the way u want.
i wonder if people knew what made other people upset. if they knew what they wanted. or their preferences or whatever... that they understood everything about that person completely to the point that person would never be upset. but then again, people can't read minds. and if they did, they might end up disappointed or discontent because they themselves will give up things for the happiness of others.
so really, its not possible. to read minds. unless ur some superhero with cool powers.
in reality. we need to just be honest i guess.
but sometimes i wish someone could just read my mind. or maybe just pick it up with some common sense. to save me from having to be honest. because its not easy.when you say something. it kinda turns into a bigger deal. it's not as suttle. and idk sometimes i just feel stupid for being honest. because i think that sometimes its just... obvious. maybe even logical.
spare me the trouble. read my mind. thanks.
Labels: anger, honesty, life, random, relationships
12:04 AM
Sunday, August 9, 2009
♥ six months
you can do some pretty awesome stuff with toothpicks
but they can also be pretty dangerous
yesterday i was walking through my front tv room in the dark when i stepped on a toothpick which someone stabbed a hole into my foot. originally i thought i had stepped on a needle, but really it was a toothpick. and it hurt. and bled. and it still kinda hurts as i walked today.
it's been just over a week since my parents have been away, and another week to go. it's been a struggle. really. i was telling andy today that i'm going to live with my parents until im married. i rely on them immensely for food, washing and transport. things that are so time consuming and difficult to live without. really, i heart my parents. and appreciate them so much more.
yesterday was a pretty good day. except for the fact i missed my bus (because alison called with my flight details) and i ended up walking to the shops.. which took a good half an hr.. ahh gg. it reminded me of the days that me and nig use to walk to school because it thought i couldnt do it. like 45min walk! lol.
well today marks 6 months in. i think we're past the whole "winning each other over" stage and into the "putting up with each other" haha. i dont know if its a good thing, because now he's not afraid of farting in front of me -.-" and its kinda ... ... disgusting! lol.
i guess you could say i'm beginning to feel more comfortable around his family, we have good laughs sometimes, but its still awkward at other times. i still kinda feel like they dont think i'm good enough for him. i like talking to his brothers though, because now that my bro is off and married, putting up with a sister just isnt the same.
his household is very different to mine though, in terms of how they do things, chores, dinner at the table - altogether... i guess they're bit more traditionally asian than my family i rekon. even though my family is still asian. hopefully our parents will get along. i think our dads will. idk abt mums though. i can envision it now. how awkward if they both called each other by their names (because they're both named cynthia ahaha)
anyways, back to josh. i think i know most of his bad habits/flaws already. he cracks his knuckles - no matter how many times i tell him off for doing so... he yawns at church without putting his hand over his mouth! he bullies his little brother (oh gosh, reminds me of when my brother use to bully me). haha theres more. but i think we are both continously growing, continously learning. and we want to be better people. and we can help each other do that, but pointing out certain aspects of our personality or our lives that needs improvement. i think its great that we can be so honest with each other. and i think thats pretty important.
i must admit, i rekon we fight a lot. well not fight, but maybe "disagree". haha. we argue. we're both stubborn. maybe even too prideful to drop a point at times. But i think we're both learning to be more understanding, less argumentative, and more loving.
And for me, i have the difficult task of becoming more independent. which wouldn't have been difficult for me a year ago. but because he's such a integrated part of my life... i've been way too dependent on him. hopefully its just a stage. and i'll be out of it soon. geez, i never thought i'd be like i am now haha its so bad.
back to being two upright standing cans.
but they can also be pretty dangerousyesterday i was walking through my front tv room in the dark when i stepped on a toothpick which someone stabbed a hole into my foot. originally i thought i had stepped on a needle, but really it was a toothpick. and it hurt. and bled. and it still kinda hurts as i walked today.
it's been just over a week since my parents have been away, and another week to go. it's been a struggle. really. i was telling andy today that i'm going to live with my parents until im married. i rely on them immensely for food, washing and transport. things that are so time consuming and difficult to live without. really, i heart my parents. and appreciate them so much more.
yesterday was a pretty good day. except for the fact i missed my bus (because alison called with my flight details) and i ended up walking to the shops.. which took a good half an hr.. ahh gg. it reminded me of the days that me and nig use to walk to school because it thought i couldnt do it. like 45min walk! lol.
well today marks 6 months in. i think we're past the whole "winning each other over" stage and into the "putting up with each other" haha. i dont know if its a good thing, because now he's not afraid of farting in front of me -.-" and its kinda ... ... disgusting! lol.
i guess you could say i'm beginning to feel more comfortable around his family, we have good laughs sometimes, but its still awkward at other times. i still kinda feel like they dont think i'm good enough for him. i like talking to his brothers though, because now that my bro is off and married, putting up with a sister just isnt the same.
his household is very different to mine though, in terms of how they do things, chores, dinner at the table - altogether... i guess they're bit more traditionally asian than my family i rekon. even though my family is still asian. hopefully our parents will get along. i think our dads will. idk abt mums though. i can envision it now. how awkward if they both called each other by their names (because they're both named cynthia ahaha)
anyways, back to josh. i think i know most of his bad habits/flaws already. he cracks his knuckles - no matter how many times i tell him off for doing so... he yawns at church without putting his hand over his mouth! he bullies his little brother (oh gosh, reminds me of when my brother use to bully me). haha theres more. but i think we are both continously growing, continously learning. and we want to be better people. and we can help each other do that, but pointing out certain aspects of our personality or our lives that needs improvement. i think its great that we can be so honest with each other. and i think thats pretty important.
i must admit, i rekon we fight a lot. well not fight, but maybe "disagree". haha. we argue. we're both stubborn. maybe even too prideful to drop a point at times. But i think we're both learning to be more understanding, less argumentative, and more loving.And for me, i have the difficult task of becoming more independent. which wouldn't have been difficult for me a year ago. but because he's such a integrated part of my life... i've been way too dependent on him. hopefully its just a stage. and i'll be out of it soon. geez, i never thought i'd be like i am now haha its so bad.
back to being two upright standing cans.
Labels: boyfriend, family, pain, parents, relationships, walks, zonta
1:26 PM
