Monday, October 31, 2011
♥ hello
why hello blog,
it's been a while. roughly a month. i've been a bit lazy - my bad.
EXAMS
exams in two weeks! i know it's going to be okay - birds in the air right?
but there are times where i still have little freak out sessions.
CHURCH
the whole lifegroup transitioning into a ministry has turned out really well so far.
we have a good group of guys/girls and i was so happy with the pilot run. and just the atmosphere and friendships that are growing, it's really cool to see.
and i love it! there are ups and downs to leadership but i think seeing people grow is definitely one of the biggest highlights so far.
balancing commitments with uni and life, is really not that bad, but because of my (lack of) time management skills, there are times where i'm a bit =/ but it's been pretty good so far.
FRIENDS
i should be making more friends in med. but idk, it takes effort and time... and it's hard to put that in, esp when you lack that sort of flow where you just get along instantly. yeah and i'm finding i just don't gel as well with some of them. like you have 'friends' and you have actual 'friends'. people change too, and friendships change with it.
and i'm pretty happy with the two 'everyday convo' friends i've made this year. as in like we pretty much talk everyday, online. but it's not like time consuming or requires lots of effort. it's just smooooth. easy. they don't get offended easily, they are pretty easy going... and when it comes to events and stuff, they actually turn up. they remind me when quizzes are due, and they help answer my questions, and they give me their honest opinion on things i ask them about.
i don't know, kinda reminds me of my friendship with L. very easy going. if we don't talk or see each other for a while, it's okay / fine / normal. but we're still always there for each other to vent or rant on skype. and i think another important thing, I've also found with people like C is, we're comfortable with silence.
yup. been hanging with both church, work and high school friends a bit more. and it's been good. like i'm starting to see how different all my friendships are - like they're all unique and different.
HOLIDAYS
so i'll be heading to china this coming summer (their winter) and then thailand and probably vietnam in the coming year. quite exciting. however this requires money. which i have. but was meant to go towards my car. HMM. oh well.
grandma is coming too... yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy for hugs and good food. should probably work more on my hokkien.
anyways, that's it for now... got to get back to study, i have made a strict study schedule.
it's been a while. roughly a month. i've been a bit lazy - my bad.
EXAMS
exams in two weeks! i know it's going to be okay - birds in the air right?
but there are times where i still have little freak out sessions.
CHURCH
the whole lifegroup transitioning into a ministry has turned out really well so far.
we have a good group of guys/girls and i was so happy with the pilot run. and just the atmosphere and friendships that are growing, it's really cool to see.
and i love it! there are ups and downs to leadership but i think seeing people grow is definitely one of the biggest highlights so far.
balancing commitments with uni and life, is really not that bad, but because of my (lack of) time management skills, there are times where i'm a bit =/ but it's been pretty good so far.
FRIENDS
i should be making more friends in med. but idk, it takes effort and time... and it's hard to put that in, esp when you lack that sort of flow where you just get along instantly. yeah and i'm finding i just don't gel as well with some of them. like you have 'friends' and you have actual 'friends'. people change too, and friendships change with it.
and i'm pretty happy with the two 'everyday convo' friends i've made this year. as in like we pretty much talk everyday, online. but it's not like time consuming or requires lots of effort. it's just smooooth. easy. they don't get offended easily, they are pretty easy going... and when it comes to events and stuff, they actually turn up. they remind me when quizzes are due, and they help answer my questions, and they give me their honest opinion on things i ask them about.
i don't know, kinda reminds me of my friendship with L. very easy going. if we don't talk or see each other for a while, it's okay / fine / normal. but we're still always there for each other to vent or rant on skype. and i think another important thing, I've also found with people like C is, we're comfortable with silence.
yup. been hanging with both church, work and high school friends a bit more. and it's been good. like i'm starting to see how different all my friendships are - like they're all unique and different.
HOLIDAYS
so i'll be heading to china this coming summer (their winter) and then thailand and probably vietnam in the coming year. quite exciting. however this requires money. which i have. but was meant to go towards my car. HMM. oh well.
grandma is coming too... yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy for hugs and good food. should probably work more on my hokkien.
anyways, that's it for now... got to get back to study, i have made a strict study schedule.
Labels: church, exams, friends, medicine, summer holidays
9:49 PM
Sunday, August 28, 2011
♥ ♫ there maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
i had a pretty good weekend.
unfortunately. in the past few hours i have realized how much work i need to do. and how much i hate studying.
and i could attribute this to studying in general, however... i'm pretty sure it wasn't this bad when i was doing psychology.
psyc was interesting, fun and i enjoyed learning about all the weird but interesting experiments.
med on the other hand..... the physics and chemistry. the physiology. the cells and genes. the processes and functions. please, just kill me now.
now whenever i tell people this they're just like.. THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING MED.
it's a valid question to ask. really it is. but the truth is, as you may already know, i want to be a doctor!
it's that simple. and just because i want to be a doctor does not mean that i have to LIKE the med course.
you see, the course is not the same as the career. it may prepare you for the career - but they are still two different things.... in the career you deal with patients face to face, you listen to them, you talk to them, you help them, you can make a difference... in the course you have less responsibilities, you make new friends, you study and learn everything and anything that may or may not help you in the future.
the course at the moment is pretty dry... it's mainly theory and all the stuff i find really complicated and hard.
like i know there is a purpose to the course. there is an end goal, obviously, otherwise there would be no point doing the course... the things i am learning is important and will contribute to my future knowledge and understanding require to be a doctor.
but just because there is that added purpose, doesn't mean that i will automatically like the learning aspect.
does that make sense? it's hard to explain....
and don't worry, i have a bf who has asked all the annoying questions... like 'what if you still don't like it when it hits clinical'... 'statistics show that those who don't like it end up dropping out or becoming crappy doctors'.... 'but i like it... and i just think you should like it too...'
//facepalm
unfortunately. in the past few hours i have realized how much work i need to do. and how much i hate studying.
and i could attribute this to studying in general, however... i'm pretty sure it wasn't this bad when i was doing psychology.
psyc was interesting, fun and i enjoyed learning about all the weird but interesting experiments.
med on the other hand..... the physics and chemistry. the physiology. the cells and genes. the processes and functions. please, just kill me now.
now whenever i tell people this they're just like.. THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING MED.
it's a valid question to ask. really it is. but the truth is, as you may already know, i want to be a doctor!
it's that simple. and just because i want to be a doctor does not mean that i have to LIKE the med course.
you see, the course is not the same as the career. it may prepare you for the career - but they are still two different things.... in the career you deal with patients face to face, you listen to them, you talk to them, you help them, you can make a difference... in the course you have less responsibilities, you make new friends, you study and learn everything and anything that may or may not help you in the future.
the course at the moment is pretty dry... it's mainly theory and all the stuff i find really complicated and hard.
like i know there is a purpose to the course. there is an end goal, obviously, otherwise there would be no point doing the course... the things i am learning is important and will contribute to my future knowledge and understanding require to be a doctor.
but just because there is that added purpose, doesn't mean that i will automatically like the learning aspect.
does that make sense? it's hard to explain....
and don't worry, i have a bf who has asked all the annoying questions... like 'what if you still don't like it when it hits clinical'... 'statistics show that those who don't like it end up dropping out or becoming crappy doctors'.... 'but i like it... and i just think you should like it too...'
//facepalm
11:25 PM
Thursday, April 21, 2011
♥ crappiness
Crappiness. noun. The state or condition of being crappy
well, it's 1:25am and it's definitely the best time to start talking about how crap my life currently is.
i hate my course. i hate how it's all theory. i know it'll become more practical later, but later is not now. and unfortunately i have to put up with now, now. i hate how i'm surrounded by nerds who know everything. i hate how i don't absorb information very well when i study. and i hate what i'm learning and i hate the pace we're forced to learn it at.
this whole major change in uni courses has totally turned my life around. not in the way that i thought it would. there's so much more stress involved. there's so much more work. there's so much change.
in my first year of university i made friends with random people in my lecture room who i went and sat randomly next too. this year i walk into a lecture room, and half the time, can't even be bothered talking to anyone, that i much prefer sitting in my own little corner. in fact, i rather just stay at home, and ilecture.
i have become totally antisocial to all these new people in my life. and for those who have been there for longer, i don't even feel like be social with them either - but i force myself to because i know it's good for me.
so why? why this antisocial / keep-to-myself attitude? i don't know! to be honest, i probably don't want to make new friends because i can't be bothered. but i should make the effort. but i don't want to. and right now i don't care that i'll spend the next 6 years like this. although by then i probably would have exploded.
 |
| this conversation is pointless. |
i'm sick of social chitchat. it reminds me of why i quit using msn, because conversations would usually just consist of "hello, how are you, good, okay gtg now, bye". meaningless chit chat. why bother, really, WHY? what's worse is hearing that people complain that you ignore them! well, i'm sorry, i was in the middle of an ilecture and i'm completely cramming for my upcoming exam, so no i don't really want to exchange meaningless chitchat right at this very moment because i really need all the time i can get right now. seriously, why must people be so sensitive? screw all this crap, i'm just going to sit by myself in a place where no one else goes so i can study without having to be paranoid about whether i stopped and talked enough to someone otherwise they chuck a sad.
 |
| NAWWWWWWW, don't cry baby! |
oh and not waving to people when i walk/drive past. seriously? SERIOUSLY? who cares!
say what? i should care about how sensitive people might feel or think of me? why should i? they don't know me, they don't know what i'm going through, they don't know how i feel, they don't know anything about me.
this is probably why i don't want to make friends - because i might forget to wave and smile to them... or stop to talk to them in the library.... i don't want to have to consciously be aware of how i might hurt their feelings. that takes effort... effort i can not be bothered giving right now.
i'm better off living in my own little bubble.
even my boyfriend starting throwing diagnostic questions at me because he thinks i have depression -___-" seriously? SERIOUSLY?
yup, definitely better living in my own bubble...
so off i go... into my own little world without all this crap.
see you again.... of course, only after i take some prozac.
Labels: depression, emo, life, medicine, uni
2:10 AM
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
♥ sighness
it's not really that exciting anymore to cut up a fetal pig and look at its internal organs.
the molecules, genes and cells leave me just as confused after a lecture as before.
even learning about how to interview patients and stuff about cultural diversity... is boring me.
my course kinda sucks...
11:26 PM
Friday, March 11, 2011
♥ sickness
i hate being sick.
feverish. cold/flu. whatever you want to call it.
it makes it difficult to concentrate. to study. to do things. to wake up in the morning.
oddly enough - i don't even know where i got it from.
my boyfriend got sick on the same day too! but we couldn't have caught it from each other because we hadn't seen each other the day before.
arghhh..
on other news. assignments and assessments are beginning to pile out. writing notes for each lecture is proving to be very time consuming - and i might just have to can that. according to most med students in upper years, it's pointless anyways.
i'm trying to exempted from chemistry - since i already did first year chem... will find out on monday if i can. not only will it save me money, but also TIME to do and focus on other things!
i've already told reddot i couldn't really work much anymore.. i think my next shift is just the saturday during study break...
still haven't really let go of tutoring - contemplating whether i can continue it or not still (even though i thought i already decided i wasn't)
anyways. took one of josh's stethoscopes today. he got it for free i think. but who cares. it's purple!
looking at it makes me kinda excited in the "I'M GOING TO BE A DOCTOR" kinda way :)
10:49 PM
Friday, March 4, 2011
♥ journey
i emailed the faculty asking for my med application results, and it made me just think back to so many things.
i remember when i first got my umat score in year 12, and something in my heart just dropped - because i knew it wasn't enough to get an interview...
in first year, i was kinda happy with my umat score, but i didn't realize that it still wasn't enough for an interview.. and my heart kinda dropped.
last year, my third year of trying... i remember getting my score and being hopeful for an interview - but i remember I made sure I didn't expect anything - i didn't want to be dissappointed again... And I remember having this arguement with Josh, whom I kept getting annoyed at whenever he mentioned offers.
there were times where i was so worried... didn't think i'd hit the bar... times where i needed motivation...
i remember posting things like....
my gpa is pretty borderline, and will most likely fall into the bottom third. my umat score will definately fall into the bottom third... and what's left is just the interview!
it's weighted 1:2:2 being umat, gpa and interview respectively.
well can't change anything now about the umat score... and first i need to actually get an interview offer before i can try to do well in the interview
but in the mean time i really need to work hard to up that GPA of mine... and hopefully push it into the middle third at least!
- motivation, 03.10.2011
oh and the interview... the horrible interview...
It was hard. Really it was. I've had interviews before but these questions just seemed so different. So abstract almost. I felt i couldn't communicate what kind of person i am and the things i'm passionate about. I could tell my technique and confidence dropped a bit midway. But the worst was when it was over and i realized that i could not do anything to make myself perform better. Feeling rather disappointed in myself actually...
- =(, 29.10.2011
there were times where i doubted that med was where i was meant to be...
and i was feeling that exact same feeling a few days ago - the course was just so overwhelming. filled with so much content. i felt so behind... and so stupid... so unprepared and so caught off guard - my expecations thrown out the window...
and you know what? God is good.
he placed some amazing people in my life who are so supportive and so encouraging.
and ... after getting my results back ... i am just amazed at how God works.
i am reminded that through all those trials, obstacles and difficulties... God really carried me through it all - to beyond my expectations... and he can do it again.
7:11 PM
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
♥ struggletown
i was not prepared for this.
i thought i was - i've been waiting years for this moment in my life.
but i find myself lost in the chemistry... lost in the biology...
completely lost in this course... and i don't know how to get back on my feet
i thought i was - i've been waiting years for this moment in my life.
but i find myself lost in the chemistry... lost in the biology...
completely lost in this course... and i don't know how to get back on my feet
Labels: medicine
3:35 PM
Monday, February 28, 2011
♥ first day as a medical student
well, it's the first day of uni...
and yes, it started early.. very early.
woke up to my alarm at 6am.... rolled out of bed at 6:20am...
got dad to drop me off at the bus stop, and took the bus at 6:45am...
reached uni surprisingly early - 7:30am! there was minimal traffic.. and i spent most the time watching modern family on my htc.
well our first class was a fahb lab - and i must admit =( it was actually kinda difficult.
human bio is my weakpoint, and i've avoided it for so long... that now it's coming back to haunt me.
however we did pull of a termites head, and examine grasshopper testes.... yuup, totally normal....
well after our lab, we had a five hour break until our next class... we went to broadway for lunch and bought some snacks to bring back to the scibry while we watched the social network...
grapes were on special at IGA... washing them was a complicated process...
and yes! that's been our very productive monday so far... FCP soon... then finally, get to go home!
and yes, it started early.. very early.
woke up to my alarm at 6am.... rolled out of bed at 6:20am...
got dad to drop me off at the bus stop, and took the bus at 6:45am...
reached uni surprisingly early - 7:30am! there was minimal traffic.. and i spent most the time watching modern family on my htc.
well our first class was a fahb lab - and i must admit =( it was actually kinda difficult.
human bio is my weakpoint, and i've avoided it for so long... that now it's coming back to haunt me.
however we did pull of a termites head, and examine grasshopper testes.... yuup, totally normal....
 |
| chris choosing our termite to face its doom |
well after our lab, we had a five hour break until our next class... we went to broadway for lunch and bought some snacks to bring back to the scibry while we watched the social network...
grapes were on special at IGA... washing them was a complicated process...
 |
| washing grapes in a plastic bag - that had a hole in it *sigh* |
3:15 PM
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
♥ sister + facebook
8:29 AM
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
♥ blessing
Blessed. Truely blessed! Praise God :)
Labels: medicine
11:21 PM
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
♥ unsettled
when things catch you off guard, and you have a bit of a shock... it's hard to just rest.
a billion things go through your mind and you fall back into old habits.
trying to plan your life again. saying what if this happened... then i'm going to do this... and if this happened then i guess i can do this.
you try to do things your way. and what you've learnt over the past few years about resting and about trusting in God... it slowly slips out of your mind...
i didn't get first round offers. second rounds for 2011 undergraduate entry is out on the 2nd of feb.
for 2012 postgraduate entry you need to do gamsat in 2011. the closing date for gamsat registration is also 2nd of feb. gamsat is on the 26th of march. gamsat include first year chemistry & biology and yr 12 physics - which means you'll need to devote much time to study for it... especially if you haven't done any of those subjects for a couple of years....
for 2012 postgraduate entry you need to do gamsat in 2011. the closing date for gamsat registration is also 2nd of feb. gamsat is on the 26th of march. gamsat include first year chemistry & biology and yr 12 physics - which means you'll need to devote much time to study for it... especially if you haven't done any of those subjects for a couple of years....
due to the change over to the new courses... in 2013 there will be no graduate entry medicine.
the start of the new courses - postgraduate: doctor of medicine... begins 2014.
sigh. old habits die hard.
i am thinking too far ahead. i am doubting without even realizing i am.. without even wanting to.
that rest belongs to me. why did i let it go? it's mine, and i'm taking it back thanks.
11:11 PM
Thursday, January 20, 2011
♥ back at home
i'm back! yes i arrived back in perth this morning, after 12 days in cambodia and another 10 in KL...
i would blog in more detail, but i'm feeling rather lazy and i haven't got my pictures to add to my posts because i left my SD card in Huy's laptop =(
but in good news, i've come back and still have a job! in fact i'm working like 4 days a week for the next few weeks.. but my employment / store-transfer thing still hasn't been confirmed so nothings too definate yet
and in not so good news, i didn't get an offer for first rounds but i surprisingly took the lack of an offer quite well and it didn't bother me too much. i think the boyfriend was more dissappointed than i was haha. i am trying to rest, and it is easier when you know that despite whatever happens, God has a plan for meeee.
second rounds come out early feb, will keep you posted :)
11:33 AM
Friday, December 17, 2010
♥ admission & reflection
The Admission
Well, my sister got admitted to the court today.
Yes, she is not just a law graduate, but actually a 'real' lawyer.
It was a really hectic day. Oh and the night before she literally went through my mum and grandmother's wardrobe dictating what they could and could not wear...
 |
| family photo on dilys' admission day [17.12.2010] |
 |
| dilys & i in front of the supreme court |
I was meant to work in the afternoon but I ended up calling and taking it off because it was just way too rushed.
The Reflection
At night, we had lifegroup, last one for the year! And it was really awesome.
We all reflected on the past year and shared with each other. And we opened up these question sheets we had filled in at the beginning of the year. At first I was quite hesitant to read mind, because from what I had remembered writing, I had failed to pull through on...
 |
| self-reflection snapshot from feb 2010 |
But in the end it was actually pretty cool. I read through mine and some things were still the same.. others had changed. It was really cool. Because it got me thinking about a lot of things.
On that question sheet, I wrote about how lost I felt, how confused and how hurt I was about the whole medicine thing. But I think over the past year I've started to catch glimpses of that bigger picture. Being able to look back and see a blessing in disguise.
I'll post my testimoney another day. And more reflection stuff as the new year comes into play.
In the meantime, I think I have a letter to write.
Labels: family, life, lifegroup, medicine, reflections, sister, spiritual life
11:45 PM
Monday, October 18, 2010
♥ interview time
it's set!
Friday, 29th of October 2010... at 2:40pm!
your prayers would be appreciated :)
Friday, 29th of October 2010... at 2:40pm!
your prayers would be appreciated :)
5:26 PM
Sunday, October 3, 2010
♥ motivation
i sorta lost motivation to do my assignments today.
it's so BORRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGG.
then i just had a convo with hsern ern about umat, interviews and gpa scores... and i've realized that... i'm not in a particularly great spot at the moment. and hence i shouldn't be slacking!
talking to him really helped put things into perspective, especially when we started to compare his results from last year to mine, this year.
my gpa is pretty borderline, and will most likely fall into the bottom third. my umat score will definately fall into the bottom third... and what's left is just the interview!
it's weighted 1:2:2 being umat, gpa and interview respectively.
well can't change anything now about the umat score... and first i need to actually get an interview offer before i can try to do well in the interview
but in the mean time i really need to work hard to up that GPA of mine... and hopefully push it into the middle third at least! And that means my final marks in all my units MUST be over 75... but i really need to push all for 80+ to bump to something decent. it's really difficult because it doesn't bump up that much! like i got 3HDs, 1D last sem, and it only bumped up my gpa but like 0.15 =___= sighhhhhhh.
hmmm i just worked it out, and even if i got straight HDs, it would only put me into like the middle third... NOT looking good. but i guess thats better than bottom third!
i hope i can pull it off, especially with this lameo atypical development unit i've got..... uber difficult.
NO TIME FOR SLACKING.
gotta work hard!
Labels: gpa, medicine, motivation, umat
1:12 AM
Monday, April 19, 2010
♥ failure
you know. one of the worst feelings is knowing that you didn't make the cut. that you disappointed. that you're a failure.
i've already accepted the fact that i didn't get into medicine. both first time around and second.
when people ask me if i got in, i smile back and reply with a not yet. and it doesn't hurt saying that anymore. it doesn't hurt telling people that i'm still doing psychology, but i really want to get into med - i just haven't made the cut. having people ask, is just a reminder that people know how much i wanted it. and thats cool.
i've accepted it. i know i can't look back. i can only look foward.
some people think i'm 'great'. with so much 'potential'. youth of the year you know? what more could you ask for?
and i appreciate it when people say i have 'potential'. i appreciate it when they say that they think i'm 'great'. but i guess inside i just know that i wasn't 'great' enough to get in.
my parents have always had the biggest emotional impact on me. i've always had their expectations. and i always make my own expectations even higher than theirs. so when i do fall below their expectations - i am deeply cut, not only because i didn't meet theirs, but also because i fell short of my own.
i was so cut about not making interviews last year. although i showed very little emotion to my parents. inside i was just so heartbroken. how coukd i not be? it was everything i wanted. and to miss out a second time. it hurt.
and despite getting over it and moving on... every time my dad mentions how i failed the umat, like my life is joke, i am brought to tears.
he doesn't understand how much it hurt. it hurt me more than he could ever understand. it hurt me more than he realizes. and it hurts even more to be reminded of how much of a failure i am in my father's eyes.
he doesn't understand how hard it is. how hard it is for me. he complains about money, little does he realize that i paid for my own medentry course this year. and my own rego through acer.
all i need is support and encouragement. not a reminder that i am a failure. because i know that already. but it still hurts everytime the words come out of your mouth.
it's easy for josh to tell me to prove him wrong. for him to point out how much i haven't been practising umat or haven't been studying hard. to tell me to be stronger, and that what he says doesn't matter.
but do you have any idea how it feels to know your parents think you're a failure? and despite the many of you who will tell me that i am not... even if i believe you, it doesn't change what my parents see, and might i add - constantly remind me of.
9:17 PM
Sunday, February 21, 2010
♥ gamsat
i wish i had known that you could sit the gamsat in your second last year of your bachelor degree...
before the final registration closing date 10 days ago...
...
sighhh
6:43 PM
Saturday, October 24, 2009
♥ windy pathways
is the naive the word i'm looking for?
i was studying social pscyhology the other day and it talked about how first impressions usually last, because if they're bad then we don't usually associate with that person anymore and also avoid the people around them.
lasting impressions. usually with someone we know well, when they say something or do something you don't like, you often let it go, because you believe you know them well enough that maybe they're just having a bad day or whatever.
but i guess people change. or rather, we continously get to know them more, and maybe it was more than just a bad day, but it's really what they think or who they are.
and maybe thats still okay. i think friendship is flexible like that. everyone changes after all.
but when it comes to relationships i think its different.
my husband and i will become one. we will share the rest of our life together.
he would need to be one who respects me, cares about, loves me and wants to be with me.
he will need to share the same values and beliefs as me...
maybe not always the same attitudes...
david asked me the other day if i thought josh was "the one".. *DADDADUMM*
and without hesitation i said yes.
technically i'm still a teenager. a teenagers naivity maybe?
i don't think a husband will treat his wife like he would have treated her when she was his girlfriend.
i'm starting to see and learn about the views josh has about marriage. and to be honest, i'm not sure if i entirely agree as such.
i'm starting to question what kind of husband he will be. and i'm not crazy. at least i think so.
but i think for now i should stop being so sure about things. so straight pathed about things. so simple minded. so naive.
kinda like medicine i rekon. i was so sure. and i thought i knew how to go about it. but the path isn't straight. its actually taken quite a few bends...
and i still don't know yet if i'd end up where i thought i would.
Labels: boyfriend, friends, future, marriage, medicine, naive, psyc, relationships
10:20 AM
Sunday, October 11, 2009
♥ my sunday
disclaimer / warning: super longggg blog entry.
i kinda hoped after two days i would stop crying about it, but when i bumped into pastor at church and he asked me if i was going back to tbc ministry and also where i've been lately, and i told him how i was in ballarat and came back sick... and then i told him i didn't get into med and yes.
grace joined in after. and gave me a hug. which was good, because pastors aren't for hugging. because that's just... awkward.
Pastor told me that if i honor the things of God, that He will honor me. that's been stuck in my mind all day.
he also told me that in the future i will look back and see how things worked out and stuff
i don't know. i guess i'm a bit confused.
grace said it was okay to be angry with God. but i'm not angry (well, yet) i'm more disappointed and confused.
you see, my boyfriend, his mother, my exbf, all sorta asked if i was going to change my goals/course. josh said something like seeking what God wants in my life, if it's something other than med. but I've always believed that IS what He wants. and what I want too! And why i'm going the long way about it, I do not know why. But there's a reason i guess, i just don't know what it is.
people like my parents, my sister, jfu... were different. they already know how much i want it. and talked abt next year, or postgrad etc. they didn't question whether i was giving up because they didn't believe i would.
don't get me wrong, i still need to seek God about my future. like pastor told me, i need to rest in Him. i need to listen.
i'm continously reminded of this section in Dreaming With God (yes mic, i did read some of it!) where ... hmm, its prob best if i directly quote.
The Blank Check
As kids, many of us dreamed about being granted one wish. Solomon got the "one wish." When God appeared to Solomon and gave him that opportunity, it forever raised the bar of our expectations in prayer. The disciples were given the same "wish," only better. Instead of one blank check, they were given an unlimited supply of blank checks. And this gift was specifically granted in the context of their friendship with God.
Surrounding their promotion to friendship, Jesus gave His disciples this amazing list of promises. Each promise was a blank check they were to live by and use throughout their lives for the expansion of the Kingdom. They are as follows:
If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you (John 15 vs 7)
You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you (John 15 vs 16)
If you ask anything in My name, I will do it (John 14 vs 14)
And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full (John 16 vs 23-24)
For us to properly receive what Jesus has offered us in these verses, any robotic understanding of what it means to be a follower of God has to change. God never intended that the believer be a puppet on a string. God actually makes Himself vulnerable to the desires of His people. In fact, it can be said, "if it matters to you, it matters to Him"
While much of the Church is waiting for the next word from God, He is waiting to hear the dream of His people. He longs for us to take our role, not because He needs us, but beause He loves us.
i've always been the kinda girl who has her whole life planned out. Married at 25. First kid at 28. And hopefully another two after that, in 3 year intervals (haha, i know, i'm a freak). At the way things are looking, i won't even be graduated when i'm 25. i remember telling my lifegroup once, how it was so difficult for me, when i first found out that i didn't get into med the first time. how things weren't going the way i had planned. how much of a struggle it was to adjust and get use to the fact that things don't always go how u hoped / planned.
thats why when pastor was talking about how you can seek God for the answers for everything, except when ur asked how many kids they want, you can straight out tell you. it made me laugh, and reminds me so much of myself.
Oh yeah, i held lil zeke today! 2nd time EVER because everyone always steals him =[ and he didn't cry! ZMGSH first time he hasn't when i've held him =P. too bad i had to go cauz nat was taking me back =[ but arghhhhhh!!!!!!!! ♡♡♡ BABIESSS
On other news, i went to my bf's hse for lunch. and sigh, idk, i'm feeling more and more uncomfortable around his family. like sometimes his mum doesn't think i understand what she's saying when she speaks chinese =[ but i do get bits of it, or at least the gist of it.
so like she kept asking me try to chilli and i kept saying that i was fine. she knows i can't take chilli. and she was like 'it's not hot blahblah'... and then i think josh told her to stop asking or something (in chinese) and she was like saying back to him (in chinese) something like ~ what? so she's not going to eat it for the rest of her life?.................
and then she found out i couldn't swim and told me to go join adult vacswim classes (like actually told me in english!) .........................
she even told josh (in chinese) i eat like a kid because my plate was so 'far away' from me.................
she makes me feel really stupid.
maybe she's trying to joke half the time, but okay, i get it, i suck, and ur son is awesome, because i can't speak chinese, eat chilli / hot stuff, play an instrument / piano, can't swim, and i can't get into med... and he can do all those things and more.... -.-"
sigh, i am tryingggggggggggg to give her a break. josh always tells me to not let me preconcieved ideas affect how i see her. but you know, its pretty difficult... i don't really agree with a lot of her ideas on education and stuff. but yeah i don't say anything, of course. but i fear conflict when we get married and have kids.
it's okay. mother in laws are meant to be difficult right? but she's not even my mother in law yet!
ahh, the difficulties of dating the first born son of an asian family. i think i shall just avoid his parents for a while. because tbh, it just makes me feel inadequate and fustrated =[
Went for familyy dinner tonight. Peking duck (yum!) + Fried squid tenticles + Seafood Ho Fun with Egg Sauce.
I think my sister is feeling slightly guilty because this morning she found out i broke the glass cup in the bathroom and told me how she wouldn't trust me with her things let alone someone's life as a doctor. And i was like "well it doesn't matter because i didn't get in anyways" and she was something like "yeah but you break everything" and i was like "well i've still got a while to learn to be more careful" then 5 minutes later she was like "oh did you mean you didn't get in for next year?!" and i was like "yeahhh". ahaha, so in the car she was talking to me about it and at dinner she said she wants to take me to some new tea place she found to 'cheer me up'.
I forgot to take my breakfast this morning. Yes, my mum makes me breakfast (even on sundays) and leaves them in the oven. Must be more aware and remember to take it, because she puts in the effort every morning =[. sometimes i don't even eat the lunch she makes =[, and she wakes up early to make it. sigh. i'm so bad.
i love my family.
i love my friends.
i love my boyfriend.
i love God!
Labels: boyfriend, breakfast, family, future, God, life, marriage, medicine, parents, sister, sunday sermon
11:03 PM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
♥ over the edge
instructor called, he said he has to charge me for one hours worth for yesterday.
that just tipped me off the edge.
called my boyfriend and just started crying on the phone to him.
just feels like nothing is going right.
my boyfriend said i'm stronger than this.
but i don't think i am. not without God.
i really need to just fall onto God and trust that He has a purpose for my life.
exbf just called. after a fifteen minute phone call i'm feeling better. i wonder if he picked up that i was crying about half way through. coming to terms with the possibility that medicine isn't for me... is just. difficult. because i have always believed it's what i want and it's what was for me.
anyways talking now to my christian friend. he's slightly older. haha. more experience with life. but doesn't know how to deal with emotional teenagers =P.
okay i feel better now. so i shall stop this emo blog now
Labels: boyfriend, church, driving, emo, exbf/exgf, friends, God, medicine, money, uni
10:45 AM
