Tuesday, August 11, 2009
♥ who am i
You know how you get those quiz things. and people get to describe you in three words....
or maybe those pictures on facebook, that you can tag people as different personalities or descriptions...
or maybe just those simple birthday cards, where people describe and compliment you.
in year five or six, i got the champagne award. for my bubbly personality.
my year twelve calculus teacher once called me a perfectionist.
i've had people describe me as cheerful, motivated, bright, smart, passionate, confident, independent, daring, loud, friendly, compassionate.
but who i am i now?
those descriptions of me. were they truely who i was, or simply the impression i gave off - what i let people believe. more importantly... do they still define who i am?
so how do i see myself now. very different to be honest. i think my posts are getting a bit repetitive.
so let me cut to the chase.
people change. it's amazing how a mother doesn't get to choose their child. and no matter how much that child changes. a mother will still love her child.
it's amazing how God can love His children, despite how much they may reject Him... how much their relationship with Him changes.
unconditional love is beautiful.
but how about if we take a few step down, and talk about friendships.
you befriend someone because maybe you get along, you share common interests, you like the qualities that the person has. and if that person changes? i guess things might change. you become distant, maybe u distance urself from them, or vice versa - or maybe neither, your lives just go in different directions by itself.
lets take back up.
God chooses to still love us, despite us being sinners.
A mother chooses to still love their child, despite the rejection her child gives her.
A friend chooses to still hold onto that friendship, despite no longer having the common interests and qualities that were once there.
A boyfriend chooses to still love his girlfriend, despite her no longer having those qualities that made him fall in love with her.
At the moment I see myself, as much as i hate to admit it, as attachy, emotional and edgey.
But I can't help how i feel. I can hide it - that's not a problem. and if i chose to do so, then maybe i would be more like i use to be. But where's the truth in that. How is that being honest about my feelings.
I'm quite a wrek at the moment. A lot of things have been getting to me. And when questioned why or how things upset me, I dont even know the answer. I dont get how things that would have hardly bother me a year ago, can impact me so much now. How, if a year ago i had heard of someone else reacting the way i do now, i would have seen them as silly, immature and maybe even stupid.
and really, thats how i feel i am at the moment.
or maybe those pictures on facebook, that you can tag people as different personalities or descriptions...
or maybe just those simple birthday cards, where people describe and compliment you.
in year five or six, i got the champagne award. for my bubbly personality.
my year twelve calculus teacher once called me a perfectionist.
i've had people describe me as cheerful, motivated, bright, smart, passionate, confident, independent, daring, loud, friendly, compassionate.
but who i am i now?
those descriptions of me. were they truely who i was, or simply the impression i gave off - what i let people believe. more importantly... do they still define who i am?
so how do i see myself now. very different to be honest. i think my posts are getting a bit repetitive.
so let me cut to the chase.
people change. it's amazing how a mother doesn't get to choose their child. and no matter how much that child changes. a mother will still love her child.
it's amazing how God can love His children, despite how much they may reject Him... how much their relationship with Him changes.
unconditional love is beautiful.
but how about if we take a few step down, and talk about friendships.
you befriend someone because maybe you get along, you share common interests, you like the qualities that the person has. and if that person changes? i guess things might change. you become distant, maybe u distance urself from them, or vice versa - or maybe neither, your lives just go in different directions by itself.
lets take back up.
God chooses to still love us, despite us being sinners.
A mother chooses to still love their child, despite the rejection her child gives her.
A friend chooses to still hold onto that friendship, despite no longer having the common interests and qualities that were once there.
A boyfriend chooses to still love his girlfriend, despite her no longer having those qualities that made him fall in love with her.
At the moment I see myself, as much as i hate to admit it, as attachy, emotional and edgey.
But I can't help how i feel. I can hide it - that's not a problem. and if i chose to do so, then maybe i would be more like i use to be. But where's the truth in that. How is that being honest about my feelings.
I'm quite a wrek at the moment. A lot of things have been getting to me. And when questioned why or how things upset me, I dont even know the answer. I dont get how things that would have hardly bother me a year ago, can impact me so much now. How, if a year ago i had heard of someone else reacting the way i do now, i would have seen them as silly, immature and maybe even stupid.
and really, thats how i feel i am at the moment.
Labels: boyfriend, God, parents, relationships, self image, sin
7:09 PM
Saturday, July 25, 2009
♥ imperfect. flawed. broken.
today i stand a sinner. imperfect. flawed. broken.
today i fight against one of the biggest struggles in my life. a struggle i will overcome.
today i feel overwhelmed with guilt. with a conscience that won't let me forget.
today i feel unworthy and undeserving of God's grace and mercy.
today, i remind myself, that i am human.
today, i remind myself, that i am unconditionally loved.
today, i remind myself, that i am saved. despite how unworthy i feel.
today, i remind myself, that i am forgiven. no matter what.
today, i remind myself, that i am covered in God's grace. that mercy and goodness follow me whereever i go.
today, i remind myself, that i am given a second chance. despite how undeserving i am.
today, i remind myself, that i can be better. and that i will.
today i fight against one of the biggest struggles in my life. a struggle i will overcome.
today i feel overwhelmed with guilt. with a conscience that won't let me forget.
today i feel unworthy and undeserving of God's grace and mercy.
today, i remind myself, that i am human.
today, i remind myself, that i am unconditionally loved.
today, i remind myself, that i am saved. despite how unworthy i feel.
today, i remind myself, that i am forgiven. no matter what.
today, i remind myself, that i am covered in God's grace. that mercy and goodness follow me whereever i go.
today, i remind myself, that i am given a second chance. despite how undeserving i am.
today, i remind myself, that i can be better. and that i will.
2:17 PM
Thursday, July 2, 2009
♥ i can't do anything about the past, but i can about the future!
woah, the beginning of this week went by so sloww but the rest of it is just flying by.
11 days without my boyfriend, and i've survived haha. i've had to stop myself from posting blogs where i'm like "ARGHHHHHH i miss hiim" because, that would just look... attachy and dependant. xD and don't worry, i AM independant =) even though i do miss him.
its just different i guess, usually i'm the busy one who has to cancel on outings or conversations because i've got things to do or other commitments. now i'm sorta getting a taste of how it feels to be on the other side. and it's a great lesson really. makes me appreciate him more for always understanding and sticking by me, despite the many times where i didn't have much time for him.
i got good news yesterday, i opened a zonta letter saying that i won districts for the young women in public affairs award =) last year i won at club level (had to fill our an application with questions on the world & about advancing the status of women worldwide, went for a 45 minute interview, and did a 5 minute speech on my role model) and then my application got forwarded to district level (there's 31 international districts) and yeah i didnt have to do a thing (but wait!)
it's fantastic =) i get US$1k and possibly get to go to melbourne to speak at district 23's conference! so yes, i'm very blessed. praise God. I'm heading back to my club in august to speak to them about what i've done for the past 12 months.
i was extremely happy when receiving this news (as u can imagine) but shortly after sharing it with my mum, it didn't take her long to throw me a line about winning all these things, but failing at what was important, which was my TER.
sigh, i'll be honest and it really cut me at first, to the point where i could have gotten really angry at it. but i let it go. it really makes me teary just thinking about it.
you know, the kinda feeling where you'll never live this down. and like my parents will never be able to let go of it. and it doesnt help me. it doesnt encourage me. in fact it does quite the opposite.
if only they understood how they affect me....... but the thing is, even if they didn't say it, i'd know they think it anyways. because thats how my parents are, and i think most asian parents.
today, on the way home from work, in the car dad asked me how i won the one thousand. and even though he didnt say it, at least i felt like he was proud of me. i kinda realized my dad's like that, he doesn't really say things heartfelt haha. in the car to the bus station (this morning) while i ate my poptarts in the car, my dad was like "where's your water". i told him it was in my bag. and then i started thinking, i dont know why, but it made me think about how my dad says things sometimes... i guess he's just not very good at expressing things haha.
this past week has been a kinda big week for me. i've learnt to let go of a few things. things that i wasn't sure i would ever be able to let go. but i've learnt that i need to let go, that i need to forgive and that i need to move on.
the past is the past. it's not something u can change. ahh, but the present, the future... thats a different story.
you know. i would try to forget some things, i would try to let it go. but it never worked because, when some things happened, it would just evoke emotion in me about past events. sometimes i would hold someone's past against them. but who i am to do that? you know, when we sin, and we ask and accept forgiveness from God, and we realize that Jesus took all our sins on the cross, God doesn't use our past against us. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sins, because Jesus already paid the price for them.
So, to those people out there. Who, if you asked me a week ago, i would have told you that i hated absolutely. I forgive you. Even if your not sorry, and even if you don't care, or even if you don't know how much i hate(d) you for the things you did to me / people who are close to me. I'm not going to all of a suddent try to befriend you, because then my motives would not be right. But i'll stop avoiding you. And i'll stop giving you evils. and I'll stop bitching about you. And I'll try to smile at you when i see you. because when i look at you, i'm not going to hold you past against you.
But yes im human, so forgive me if i make mistakes =)
it's time to be a better person!
11 days without my boyfriend, and i've survived haha. i've had to stop myself from posting blogs where i'm like "ARGHHHHHH i miss hiim" because, that would just look... attachy and dependant. xD and don't worry, i AM independant =) even though i do miss him.
its just different i guess, usually i'm the busy one who has to cancel on outings or conversations because i've got things to do or other commitments. now i'm sorta getting a taste of how it feels to be on the other side. and it's a great lesson really. makes me appreciate him more for always understanding and sticking by me, despite the many times where i didn't have much time for him.
i got good news yesterday, i opened a zonta letter saying that i won districts for the young women in public affairs award =) last year i won at club level (had to fill our an application with questions on the world & about advancing the status of women worldwide, went for a 45 minute interview, and did a 5 minute speech on my role model) and then my application got forwarded to district level (there's 31 international districts) and yeah i didnt have to do a thing (but wait!)
it's fantastic =) i get US$1k and possibly get to go to melbourne to speak at district 23's conference! so yes, i'm very blessed. praise God. I'm heading back to my club in august to speak to them about what i've done for the past 12 months.
i was extremely happy when receiving this news (as u can imagine) but shortly after sharing it with my mum, it didn't take her long to throw me a line about winning all these things, but failing at what was important, which was my TER.
sigh, i'll be honest and it really cut me at first, to the point where i could have gotten really angry at it. but i let it go. it really makes me teary just thinking about it.
you know, the kinda feeling where you'll never live this down. and like my parents will never be able to let go of it. and it doesnt help me. it doesnt encourage me. in fact it does quite the opposite.
if only they understood how they affect me....... but the thing is, even if they didn't say it, i'd know they think it anyways. because thats how my parents are, and i think most asian parents.
today, on the way home from work, in the car dad asked me how i won the one thousand. and even though he didnt say it, at least i felt like he was proud of me. i kinda realized my dad's like that, he doesn't really say things heartfelt haha. in the car to the bus station (this morning) while i ate my poptarts in the car, my dad was like "where's your water". i told him it was in my bag. and then i started thinking, i dont know why, but it made me think about how my dad says things sometimes... i guess he's just not very good at expressing things haha.
this past week has been a kinda big week for me. i've learnt to let go of a few things. things that i wasn't sure i would ever be able to let go. but i've learnt that i need to let go, that i need to forgive and that i need to move on.
the past is the past. it's not something u can change. ahh, but the present, the future... thats a different story.
you know. i would try to forget some things, i would try to let it go. but it never worked because, when some things happened, it would just evoke emotion in me about past events. sometimes i would hold someone's past against them. but who i am to do that? you know, when we sin, and we ask and accept forgiveness from God, and we realize that Jesus took all our sins on the cross, God doesn't use our past against us. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sins, because Jesus already paid the price for them.
So, to those people out there. Who, if you asked me a week ago, i would have told you that i hated absolutely. I forgive you. Even if your not sorry, and even if you don't care, or even if you don't know how much i hate(d) you for the things you did to me / people who are close to me. I'm not going to all of a suddent try to befriend you, because then my motives would not be right. But i'll stop avoiding you. And i'll stop giving you evils. and I'll stop bitching about you. And I'll try to smile at you when i see you. because when i look at you, i'm not going to hold you past against you.
But yes im human, so forgive me if i make mistakes =)
it's time to be a better person!
Labels: boyfriend, busy, forgiveness, friends, God, hate, parents, sin, TEE, zonta
11:15 PM
