i'm am filled with anger. that's just ready to burst out of me, like punches to a punching bag. but preferably a person replacing a bag.

but i know it's not anger that's got me right now. that's just on the surface. deep down i'm just feeling really hurt.

and that feeling of hurt stems from dissappointment. the kind that goes beyond just a sulk, but a real stab to the heart. the kind you have to force yourself to hold back the tears, but they always seem to make their way.

i will stop sounding emo now.

i think i get it now

we both have friends.

and i know that i could tell my closest friends anything i wanted

but when it comes down to more than just whats happening, when it comes down to feelings and emotions...

the truth is that i don't want to confide in anyone else but him.

maybe it's because they won't understand like he will...

they won't respond, comfort, support, encourage, like he will...

i haven't broken that superificial comfort barrier with a lot of people yet. you know the kind where they just pat you on the back. or take you out for icecream when you're down... rather than hold you as you cry and just listen to you babble. the comfort barrier, it's still there with many. it's not their fault. i've very rarely opened up enough to anyone like that to be able to break it to start with.

even with my best friend. it still takes a night out with icecream or waffles before we actually get to real 'talking about the actual issue' bit

where as he... he confides in his friends every day. 

maybe he's broken past that superficial barrier, if not, at least more so that i. if he needed to cry to someone or have someone pray for him, i rekon he'd have at least one or two friends he could call.

where as me? he'd would be the only one i wouldn't hesitate to call. doesn't help if i'm crying over him to start with though.

and so, as much as i love my best friend, i would still hesitate. because i don't think my best friend would know how to deal with a crying girl on the phone. i don't think many people would. it's not the best thing to put someone through.

the worst bit is that, if i lose that comfort in confiding in him, if i begin to hesitate before contacting him. i'm sorta left... with noone. obviously my fault, because i should break that superficial barrier with people. 

so today, i had my emo phase.because i felt like i couldn't talk to him. that i did begin to hesitate... and then... ... it was like... i had no one to call.

was bit of a reality check. time to break some superficial comfort barriers maybe? or find out why i lost that comfort in confiding in him, and fix it...

sometimes you make me feel really dumb. really insignificant. really unloved.

i am human. i have flaws. i  know that. i may not be the perfect daughter. friend. girlfriend. and for the future, wife or parent.

what i think now might change in the future. topics like parenting... as you become more informed... the more you change your opinion. things like cooking... as you get older, i guess u get more experience... and your ability may improve.

but essentially i suck. i'm not good enough. i know that. you don't have to say it. you don't need to. you just pointed out every reason why.

it's like you go shopping and your friend's trying on a dress. when you see it on her, you point out every single thing that you don't like about it. heh. you don't need to tell her you don't like it. i'm sure she already gets the message.

i tried today. it took effort. but i guess it just wasn't right. not good enough. it never will be. so why bother.

how do i believe everything is going to be okay?
when everything seems so wrong.

how do i open my ears to listen?
when i know that what i hear, may not be what i want to hear.

how do i know what to do?
when i'm too confused and afraid to ask.

how do i try to be strong?
when i feel like breaking down.

how do i stop crying?
when i just can't help it.

how do i believe in the impossible?
when i have reality constantly shoved in my face...  
even by the ones i love.

instructor called, he said he has to charge me for one hours worth for yesterday.

that just tipped me off the edge.

called my boyfriend and just started crying on the phone to him.

just feels like nothing is going right.

my boyfriend said i'm stronger than this.

but i don't think i am. not without God.

i really need to just fall onto God and trust that He has a purpose for my life.

exbf just called. after a fifteen minute phone call i'm feeling better. i wonder if he picked up that i was crying about half way through. coming to terms with the possibility that medicine isn't for me... is just. difficult. because i have always believed it's what i want and it's what was for me.

anyways talking now to my christian friend. he's slightly older. haha. more experience with life. but doesn't know how to deal with emotional teenagers =P.

okay i feel better now. so i shall stop this emo blog now

my boyfriend was playing baddy.

my best mate was at his cousins party.

even my parents were at some festival in the city.

i've been pretty good though, i've only cried twice.

first when kavin said he was sorry to hear it.

and secondly when my boyfriend asked me what my mum said.

oh and now, but it hasn't really stopped since he asked me that a few minutes ago.

parents are trying to be good. dad's being the usual and ignoring the situation altogether.

mum talked about postgrad options and focused on how hard it must be to get in as nonstandard  undergrad...

i don't know where to begin. people have already asked me what i'm going to do.

but the truth is that i don't know. i haven't thought about it, partly because i am in no state to do so.

on other news. angus and robertson called, but i was at work, dad said they were asking for an interview. it's the calender club thing i think. hopefully i get it (and hopefully its good pay). reddot gave a really good reference, the 2ic told me what she said to them today.

i had some really cool customers. just friendly. i haven't been able to talk to customers like that in a while, since i've rarely been on till, cauz i'm usually in charge. one of them even asked me what i was studying, and i told her science, but how i was trying to get into med. and she told me i'd get there eventually.

till was down again. sigh.  ~ $50 today. thats like down $175 over two days. that's insane.

oh yeah i wasn't meant to work today. well at least i didnt know i was meant to. got a call at like 10am saying "did u know u were meant to work today?" sigh. i tried to get out of it, but they had no one else. so didn't end up going to uni/sma... msged my instructor to cancel driving. BUT he somehow didn't get it (which is absurb because he always msgs me and stuff. so he does know how to use it..) and waited for me at uni =[ gah feel so bad... working tomorrow arvo. and most nights next week because we're refitting (ahhhh, reddot is attempting to make itself look better! but i doubt it'd be much better than tthe NEW reject shop which is popping up soon)

anyways. here's some answers to some questions that i know everyone will ask.

no.

nothing.

oh actually, prayer would be good.

i haven't thought about it yet. there are several options. continue bsc psyc, change to bsc biomed, change to a totally different course, defer for a yr and retake umat, or focus on just postgrad. i haven't decided. and i have a long way to go before i have to...

well if you want me to breakdown and burst into tears in front of you then you can give me a big hug and tell me it's going to be ok. otherwise just don't mention it and... be normal.

okay thats it for now. busy weekend ahead. sorry if i sound grumpy/emo/hostile.

it just had to come on my 8 months anno too =[

stat test in less than 12 hours.

preparation level ~ 30%.

stress levels ~ high

emo level ~ high

ability to fall asleep ~ nil

tolerance level ~ v low

in need of some comfort support reassurance and love.

and now for some raging.

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the end.