i am continously faced with this obstacle in our relationship.

and that is, the (potential future) mother-in-law.

i know that i am not as smart and talented as your little boy.

in fact i know that you think that i'm not good enough for him. i don't think i am either.

but i try. i try to be nice, i try to be good, i try to get on your goodside.

but you will never remember all the times that i did something right... but rather you will remember those few times i did something wrong, when i made a mistake, when i was careless.

i will never be good enough for you. i understand that. 

and now, now i feel like i don't care anymore. now, i feel like giving up. because you will always pick at my flaws. you always talk about me behind my back. you will always look down on me.

so why should i bother?

why should i keep trying? when you're not ever going to change.

you can turn it on. you can turn it off. whenever you like. whenever you feel like it. it doesn't have feelings. so it doesn't feel unwanted when it's been off for so long. if it did though. i wonder if it would give up. 

that one important night when you get out of bed and stumble to turn the light on to find your way to the toilet... you flick the switch. but the bulb doesn't turn on. and you will feel annoyed because thats what it is there for right? the moments you need it. and it wouldn't switch on when you needed it. but thats okay. despite being annoyed, you've always got the light from your mobile phone that rests on your bedside table. the lightbulb can always be substituted.

or would it be the opposite. would the lightbulb not give up... will it continue waiting for the day that it is needed... and trust that one day you will appreciate it when you do have to wake up in the middle of the night and it turns on as soon as you flick that switch... or do you just take it for granted one more time?

you know when you spend a really long time saving money for this new and cool toy. maybe it's like an awesome lego usb. and when you first get it. it's so totally awesome. you use it continously for the first six months. storing all your uni work on it. and even showing it off to all your friends.

then after a while.. the novelty sorta wears away. and you start leaving it at home some days. sometimes when you need to save your assignment, you can't be bothered looking for it. or maybe you just don't remember where you put it. so you just use your other spare usb... and that spare usb is with you wherever you go. so i guess it becomes convenient for you. and you forget about the awesome lego usb... and it becomes a not-so-awesome lego usb.

until the day your computer crashes. and you need to find those notes you stored on that now not-so-awesome lego usb. but where did you put it? you forgot. because you haven't used it in that long. you've been using your spare. 

ahh, but now you need it. and it's only then, that you realize that your spare usb doesn't have what you need. and then... you look for it. but only when you need it, of course.

and who knows. after you get what you want, the next day you will probably forget about it again.

when you first get a pet, the novelty feature kicks in again. for the first few months you are playing with it, feeding it, treating it, loving it... 

especially for a dog. they need love and attention. they have a kind of bond with their owner.

but hey. what if the owner had some high profile job. maybe getting a dog wasn't so much of a good idea. the first few months were great... you looked forward to coming home from work, you look forward to taking the dog for a walk, playing with the dog in the park... you also fed the dog dinner at night... and spend time with the dog because you enjoyed playing with the dog.

but long hours at work started to kick in. you find yourself coming home from work exhausted. it's not your fault. work is tough. you end up being too tired to take the dog for a walk. you always say 'maybe tomorrow'... but that tomorrow never becomes a today. the dog is left outside. you're too busy with your own things... you do however find time to feed the dog, everyday, when you have time of course, when its convenient for you, even if that means a few minutes before midnight. feeding the dog is a necessity. to keep the dog alive. and thats all you are doing. keeping the dog alive because you are too busy for anything else really.

maybe getting that dog in the first place, wasn't a good idea. maybe it doesn't suit your lifestyle. but it's too late, right? you made a commitment. but work always takes precedence. so where and when are you going to find the time for that commitment you made to your pet?

and when you do finally  make time... is it because you want to? or because you have to.

i gave up trying today. i don't know why. almost like i've had enough.

that it's not the same anymore. that i'm not the same anymore.

and i don't know what i want anymore.

12.o1.10

its really weird  not having an "oh ____". now it's just going to be like twenty ten. twenty eleven. twenty tweleve...

i don't really have much to say at the moment.

i feel like just pushing everything away. and isolating myself.

maybe that'll keep all the problems away.