Tuesday, September 8, 2009
♥ i miss it.
he won my heart over...
with his long letters, sweet emails, thoughtful words.
with his funny (but oh so corny) jokes and child like happiness / excitement.
the first few months, we wanted to spend as much time as we could together, which wasn't much, circumstances permit.
he'd write me emails about how he was going to plan all these outings for us while i was on tour.
we went to the beach, on my stopover at perth during tour. we went to hillaries on vallies day. we went to freo during out long break, in the first few weeks of uni. we went ice skating before he went to america (quite last minute).
the picnic at the park never happened. nor did the mandurah trip.
but it's okay. our relationship isn't about outings. it's more than that.
but it doesn't mean i'm not disappointed.
that he no longer plans anything, and i find myself doing most of it.
that he's no longer as romantic as he was when he was winning me my heart over.
that he's content, just seeing me at the everyday things. like uni. church. and not really anywhere else.
ugh, long term relationships. because this is my longest, i will struggle with these things i think.
but i'm guessing their normal.
the novelty wears off huh? the newness. the butterfly feelings. the melting heart. the excessive bursts of joy and happiness. the heartfelt smss. the surprises. the fun teasing thats not the mean type. the focus on the how wonderful u are (and not how much u need to change). the innocent kind of fun.
i don't demand things. i don't like to. i am content. i love him.
but it doesn't mean i don't miss how it use to be. all those little things. the ones that make me feel special and loved. it's not really important huh, but i miss it anyways.
P.S. that second person on my use-to-hate list, started talking to me today. pretty cool because i wasn't sure how i was going to strike a conversation with her. but i did leave some fb comments to break the ice. and she started the convo asking help abt some uni stuff. pretty cool. thats two down so far, and i can't really think of anyone else at the moment, so thats pretttyy goood.
with his long letters, sweet emails, thoughtful words.
with his funny (but oh so corny) jokes and child like happiness / excitement.
the first few months, we wanted to spend as much time as we could together, which wasn't much, circumstances permit.
he'd write me emails about how he was going to plan all these outings for us while i was on tour.
we went to the beach, on my stopover at perth during tour. we went to hillaries on vallies day. we went to freo during out long break, in the first few weeks of uni. we went ice skating before he went to america (quite last minute).
the picnic at the park never happened. nor did the mandurah trip.
but it's okay. our relationship isn't about outings. it's more than that.
but it doesn't mean i'm not disappointed.
that he no longer plans anything, and i find myself doing most of it.
that he's no longer as romantic as he was when he was winning me my heart over.
that he's content, just seeing me at the everyday things. like uni. church. and not really anywhere else.
ugh, long term relationships. because this is my longest, i will struggle with these things i think.
but i'm guessing their normal.
the novelty wears off huh? the newness. the butterfly feelings. the melting heart. the excessive bursts of joy and happiness. the heartfelt smss. the surprises. the fun teasing thats not the mean type. the focus on the how wonderful u are (and not how much u need to change). the innocent kind of fun.
i don't demand things. i don't like to. i am content. i love him.
but it doesn't mean i don't miss how it use to be. all those little things. the ones that make me feel special and loved. it's not really important huh, but i miss it anyways.
P.S. that second person on my use-to-hate list, started talking to me today. pretty cool because i wasn't sure how i was going to strike a conversation with her. but i did leave some fb comments to break the ice. and she started the convo asking help abt some uni stuff. pretty cool. thats two down so far, and i can't really think of anyone else at the moment, so thats pretttyy goood.
Labels: boyfriend, emotions, friends, hate, love, novelty, outing, relationships
12:31 AM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
♥ broken through the hate
last week i had a bit of a prompting to start talking to someone.
it was bothering me a bit this week.
and i didnt really know how to go along about it.
how to make it happen. if it would work out. it they would even want to talk to me. if it would cause tension in my other relationships.
but today, after cell group, i realized it's something i shouldn't hold back on.
she was someone i epically raged about a few months ago. i probably even blogged about it, and probably bitched about. haha, theres my inner bad girl.
but over the past month, more so the past few weeks. much has changed.
i thought it might still be too soon, to begin talking, even though we've never talked before. yet there was still so much tension between us...
but i remember in a blog, more recently than the rage one, i wrote about letting go. about not judging someone for their past.
and i told myself i did. and i did. at times it would slip, im human.
but i never put that to action until today. i never tried to fix something that was always broken, in my eyes anyways.
but it turned out well. i'm quite pleased.
you know, i could have just spent the rest of my life ignoring her. but i chose to listen. and i think sometimes we percieve things as just impossible. never did i think i would be able to befriend her.
but now it's a possibility. now the vase is fixed. no longer broken. it's just whether we start using it, like putting flowers in it.
hehe, im pretty happy i listened.
thanks God =)
it was bothering me a bit this week.
and i didnt really know how to go along about it.
how to make it happen. if it would work out. it they would even want to talk to me. if it would cause tension in my other relationships.
but today, after cell group, i realized it's something i shouldn't hold back on.
she was someone i epically raged about a few months ago. i probably even blogged about it, and probably bitched about. haha, theres my inner bad girl.
but over the past month, more so the past few weeks. much has changed.
i thought it might still be too soon, to begin talking, even though we've never talked before. yet there was still so much tension between us...
but i remember in a blog, more recently than the rage one, i wrote about letting go. about not judging someone for their past.
and i told myself i did. and i did. at times it would slip, im human.
but i never put that to action until today. i never tried to fix something that was always broken, in my eyes anyways.
but it turned out well. i'm quite pleased.
you know, i could have just spent the rest of my life ignoring her. but i chose to listen. and i think sometimes we percieve things as just impossible. never did i think i would be able to befriend her.
but now it's a possibility. now the vase is fixed. no longer broken. it's just whether we start using it, like putting flowers in it.
hehe, im pretty happy i listened.
thanks God =)
Labels: exbf/exgf, friends, God, hate, relationships
12:32 AM
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
♥ my moods
sometimes when i'm really really happy, i can't stop myself from smiling. even if i try. sometimes i squeal, scream, and such girl things. other times i just can't stop talking that i often just blab and blab on, not being about to contend my excitement or joy.
sometimes when im confused, i will sit there. in my own world. and just think to myself, attempting to understand. other times i will keep asking questions until i do understand. and other times, i will just try to forget it altogether... because it's just too confusing. or i just dont want to think about it.
sometimes when i'm hurt, i just want to run away. i want to remove myself from the situation. go into a space of my own. my mind goes blank. i block out how i feel. and i just want to get away.
sometimes when i get angry, i get really fierce. defensive. argumentative. maybe even irrational, stubborn and unreasonable. other times i will try to let it go and be silent, so it doesnt make a big deal, but then again, this means i have to remove myself from the situation, so my anger doesn't escalate. that also works if i need to calm myself down.
sometimes when i don't know what to do, i don't do anything. even though i know what i want, i sometimes don't know how to get there. other times i'll just make a decision, because i can't decide.
the umat is in exactly one week.
i'm nervous. scared. worried and so not looking forward to it.
at the moment i'm feeling a surge of mixed emotions. i sorta just want to curl up in my bed under my blanket and fall asleep to the sound of the rain. i want to sleep because i'm tired. i want to curl up and hide because my attempts to be a better person has failed. but it's a process. a journey. a lifelong lesson. something i need to work on. something that obviously can't change overnight.
i need to be reminded of my want to change. encouraged to reach that goal. helped to get there.
sometimes when im confused, i will sit there. in my own world. and just think to myself, attempting to understand. other times i will keep asking questions until i do understand. and other times, i will just try to forget it altogether... because it's just too confusing. or i just dont want to think about it.
sometimes when i'm hurt, i just want to run away. i want to remove myself from the situation. go into a space of my own. my mind goes blank. i block out how i feel. and i just want to get away.
sometimes when i get angry, i get really fierce. defensive. argumentative. maybe even irrational, stubborn and unreasonable. other times i will try to let it go and be silent, so it doesnt make a big deal, but then again, this means i have to remove myself from the situation, so my anger doesn't escalate. that also works if i need to calm myself down.
sometimes when i don't know what to do, i don't do anything. even though i know what i want, i sometimes don't know how to get there. other times i'll just make a decision, because i can't decide.
the umat is in exactly one week.
i'm nervous. scared. worried and so not looking forward to it.
at the moment i'm feeling a surge of mixed emotions. i sorta just want to curl up in my bed under my blanket and fall asleep to the sound of the rain. i want to sleep because i'm tired. i want to curl up and hide because my attempts to be a better person has failed. but it's a process. a journey. a lifelong lesson. something i need to work on. something that obviously can't change overnight.
i need to be reminded of my want to change. encouraged to reach that goal. helped to get there.
Labels: emotions, hate, moody, relationships, umat
2:15 PM
Thursday, July 2, 2009
♥ i can't do anything about the past, but i can about the future!
woah, the beginning of this week went by so sloww but the rest of it is just flying by.
11 days without my boyfriend, and i've survived haha. i've had to stop myself from posting blogs where i'm like "ARGHHHHHH i miss hiim" because, that would just look... attachy and dependant. xD and don't worry, i AM independant =) even though i do miss him.
its just different i guess, usually i'm the busy one who has to cancel on outings or conversations because i've got things to do or other commitments. now i'm sorta getting a taste of how it feels to be on the other side. and it's a great lesson really. makes me appreciate him more for always understanding and sticking by me, despite the many times where i didn't have much time for him.
i got good news yesterday, i opened a zonta letter saying that i won districts for the young women in public affairs award =) last year i won at club level (had to fill our an application with questions on the world & about advancing the status of women worldwide, went for a 45 minute interview, and did a 5 minute speech on my role model) and then my application got forwarded to district level (there's 31 international districts) and yeah i didnt have to do a thing (but wait!)
it's fantastic =) i get US$1k and possibly get to go to melbourne to speak at district 23's conference! so yes, i'm very blessed. praise God. I'm heading back to my club in august to speak to them about what i've done for the past 12 months.
i was extremely happy when receiving this news (as u can imagine) but shortly after sharing it with my mum, it didn't take her long to throw me a line about winning all these things, but failing at what was important, which was my TER.
sigh, i'll be honest and it really cut me at first, to the point where i could have gotten really angry at it. but i let it go. it really makes me teary just thinking about it.
you know, the kinda feeling where you'll never live this down. and like my parents will never be able to let go of it. and it doesnt help me. it doesnt encourage me. in fact it does quite the opposite.
if only they understood how they affect me....... but the thing is, even if they didn't say it, i'd know they think it anyways. because thats how my parents are, and i think most asian parents.
today, on the way home from work, in the car dad asked me how i won the one thousand. and even though he didnt say it, at least i felt like he was proud of me. i kinda realized my dad's like that, he doesn't really say things heartfelt haha. in the car to the bus station (this morning) while i ate my poptarts in the car, my dad was like "where's your water". i told him it was in my bag. and then i started thinking, i dont know why, but it made me think about how my dad says things sometimes... i guess he's just not very good at expressing things haha.
this past week has been a kinda big week for me. i've learnt to let go of a few things. things that i wasn't sure i would ever be able to let go. but i've learnt that i need to let go, that i need to forgive and that i need to move on.
the past is the past. it's not something u can change. ahh, but the present, the future... thats a different story.
you know. i would try to forget some things, i would try to let it go. but it never worked because, when some things happened, it would just evoke emotion in me about past events. sometimes i would hold someone's past against them. but who i am to do that? you know, when we sin, and we ask and accept forgiveness from God, and we realize that Jesus took all our sins on the cross, God doesn't use our past against us. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sins, because Jesus already paid the price for them.
So, to those people out there. Who, if you asked me a week ago, i would have told you that i hated absolutely. I forgive you. Even if your not sorry, and even if you don't care, or even if you don't know how much i hate(d) you for the things you did to me / people who are close to me. I'm not going to all of a suddent try to befriend you, because then my motives would not be right. But i'll stop avoiding you. And i'll stop giving you evils. and I'll stop bitching about you. And I'll try to smile at you when i see you. because when i look at you, i'm not going to hold you past against you.
But yes im human, so forgive me if i make mistakes =)
it's time to be a better person!
11 days without my boyfriend, and i've survived haha. i've had to stop myself from posting blogs where i'm like "ARGHHHHHH i miss hiim" because, that would just look... attachy and dependant. xD and don't worry, i AM independant =) even though i do miss him.
its just different i guess, usually i'm the busy one who has to cancel on outings or conversations because i've got things to do or other commitments. now i'm sorta getting a taste of how it feels to be on the other side. and it's a great lesson really. makes me appreciate him more for always understanding and sticking by me, despite the many times where i didn't have much time for him.
i got good news yesterday, i opened a zonta letter saying that i won districts for the young women in public affairs award =) last year i won at club level (had to fill our an application with questions on the world & about advancing the status of women worldwide, went for a 45 minute interview, and did a 5 minute speech on my role model) and then my application got forwarded to district level (there's 31 international districts) and yeah i didnt have to do a thing (but wait!)
it's fantastic =) i get US$1k and possibly get to go to melbourne to speak at district 23's conference! so yes, i'm very blessed. praise God. I'm heading back to my club in august to speak to them about what i've done for the past 12 months.
i was extremely happy when receiving this news (as u can imagine) but shortly after sharing it with my mum, it didn't take her long to throw me a line about winning all these things, but failing at what was important, which was my TER.
sigh, i'll be honest and it really cut me at first, to the point where i could have gotten really angry at it. but i let it go. it really makes me teary just thinking about it.
you know, the kinda feeling where you'll never live this down. and like my parents will never be able to let go of it. and it doesnt help me. it doesnt encourage me. in fact it does quite the opposite.
if only they understood how they affect me....... but the thing is, even if they didn't say it, i'd know they think it anyways. because thats how my parents are, and i think most asian parents.
today, on the way home from work, in the car dad asked me how i won the one thousand. and even though he didnt say it, at least i felt like he was proud of me. i kinda realized my dad's like that, he doesn't really say things heartfelt haha. in the car to the bus station (this morning) while i ate my poptarts in the car, my dad was like "where's your water". i told him it was in my bag. and then i started thinking, i dont know why, but it made me think about how my dad says things sometimes... i guess he's just not very good at expressing things haha.
this past week has been a kinda big week for me. i've learnt to let go of a few things. things that i wasn't sure i would ever be able to let go. but i've learnt that i need to let go, that i need to forgive and that i need to move on.
the past is the past. it's not something u can change. ahh, but the present, the future... thats a different story.
you know. i would try to forget some things, i would try to let it go. but it never worked because, when some things happened, it would just evoke emotion in me about past events. sometimes i would hold someone's past against them. but who i am to do that? you know, when we sin, and we ask and accept forgiveness from God, and we realize that Jesus took all our sins on the cross, God doesn't use our past against us. when He looks at us, He doesn't see our sins, because Jesus already paid the price for them.
So, to those people out there. Who, if you asked me a week ago, i would have told you that i hated absolutely. I forgive you. Even if your not sorry, and even if you don't care, or even if you don't know how much i hate(d) you for the things you did to me / people who are close to me. I'm not going to all of a suddent try to befriend you, because then my motives would not be right. But i'll stop avoiding you. And i'll stop giving you evils. and I'll stop bitching about you. And I'll try to smile at you when i see you. because when i look at you, i'm not going to hold you past against you.
But yes im human, so forgive me if i make mistakes =)
it's time to be a better person!
Labels: boyfriend, busy, forgiveness, friends, God, hate, parents, sin, TEE, zonta
11:15 PM
Thursday, May 14, 2009
♥ hate.
hate is such a strong word. really =/...
but sometimes i say it without realizing it.. e.g. "eww i hatee thattt"
today my mum brought up the topic of this fall out, i had with an old friend years ago... we're talking like year 4 or 5 or something...
she was telling me how i had told this girl 'not to listen to her parents'... and she told her mum. and then her mum told the school and they called my mum.. etc etc (zzzz.. long story man)
but i was surprised with the new info she gave - that mother of that old friend had called the school to ask that i not be placed in the same year 7 class as her.
like woah =/ was i really that bad of an influence?
anyways. the way I remember it though, is that... i dont remember telling that girl not to listen to her parents. but i do remember telling her that i hated mine.
i remember something along the lines of having a fight with my parents, and i was really angry at them. i went to her house. and i remember sitting on her bed (im pretty sure it was a bunk bed) and i remember telling her how i hated my parents.
and when this whole thing blew up (school got contacted etc and my mother got called up) i remember my mum telling me off because she was told by the school that i told that girl not to listen to her parents. and i remember telling her that i didn't say that. but not being able to explain or say what i really did say... i couldn't bring myself to say to her, that i actually had said that i hated her.
so today i explained to my mother the real story (or what i percieved as the real story). and it was really hard. how do you tell your mother that you once said that you hated her... oh how i was such a silly kid.
but i think i've realized that... when we are young. when we are kids. we don't understand sometimes. we think we do. but really we don't.
you know. it was really hard telling my mum the real story. like really hard. to tell her that i once verbally stated that i hated her.
not long ago, i think it was mother's day. i blogged about how my child would hurt me one day. but i would still love them unconditionally. i wonder how i will feel... when my child tells me they hate me. i know they wouldn't mean it. i know that they're too young to understand. but it would still hurt.
hate. it's such a harsh word.
but sometimes i say it without realizing it.. e.g. "eww i hatee thattt"
today my mum brought up the topic of this fall out, i had with an old friend years ago... we're talking like year 4 or 5 or something...
she was telling me how i had told this girl 'not to listen to her parents'... and she told her mum. and then her mum told the school and they called my mum.. etc etc (zzzz.. long story man)
but i was surprised with the new info she gave - that mother of that old friend had called the school to ask that i not be placed in the same year 7 class as her.
like woah =/ was i really that bad of an influence?
anyways. the way I remember it though, is that... i dont remember telling that girl not to listen to her parents. but i do remember telling her that i hated mine.
i remember something along the lines of having a fight with my parents, and i was really angry at them. i went to her house. and i remember sitting on her bed (im pretty sure it was a bunk bed) and i remember telling her how i hated my parents.
and when this whole thing blew up (school got contacted etc and my mother got called up) i remember my mum telling me off because she was told by the school that i told that girl not to listen to her parents. and i remember telling her that i didn't say that. but not being able to explain or say what i really did say... i couldn't bring myself to say to her, that i actually had said that i hated her.
so today i explained to my mother the real story (or what i percieved as the real story). and it was really hard. how do you tell your mother that you once said that you hated her... oh how i was such a silly kid.
but i think i've realized that... when we are young. when we are kids. we don't understand sometimes. we think we do. but really we don't.
you know. it was really hard telling my mum the real story. like really hard. to tell her that i once verbally stated that i hated her.
not long ago, i think it was mother's day. i blogged about how my child would hurt me one day. but i would still love them unconditionally. i wonder how i will feel... when my child tells me they hate me. i know they wouldn't mean it. i know that they're too young to understand. but it would still hurt.
hate. it's such a harsh word.
Labels: children, family, friends, future, hate, love, pain, parents, relationships
6:33 PM
