Well, my sister got admitted to the court today.

Yes, she is not just a law graduate, but actually a 'real' lawyer.

It was a really hectic day. Oh and the night before she literally went through my mum and grandmother's wardrobe dictating what they could and could not wear...

I was meant to work in the afternoon but I ended up calling and taking it off because it was just way too rushed.

At night, we had lifegroup, last one for the year! And it was really awesome.

We all reflected on the past year and shared with each other. And we opened up these question sheets we had filled in at the beginning of the year. At first I was quite hesitant to read mind, because from what I had remembered writing, I had failed to pull through on...

But in the end it was actually pretty cool. I read through mine and some things were still the same.. others had changed. It was really cool. Because it got me thinking about a lot of things.

On that question sheet, I wrote about how lost I felt, how confused and how hurt I was about the whole medicine thing. But I think over the past year I've started to catch glimpses of that bigger picture. Being able to look back and see a blessing in disguise.

I'll post my testimoney another day. And more reflection stuff as the new year comes into play.

In the meantime, I think I have a letter to write.

things haven't been going my way lately...

and here i was hoping and wishing that the world revolved around me..

but no. reality is so harsh.

feeling like digging a hole and hiding it in.. for the next few months. then reappearing again to start a fresh.

oh well. work party tonight. even though i don't even really work there anymore. i am going to go because it's free alcohol and good company.

about 3 things in particular.

#1. how annoying my sister is.. like seriously, she does not shut up. note to self: the more you help her, the more she's going to bug you - so moral of story: don't help her.

#2. how the new manager has cut my hours down to 5/week..  like WTH? totally disliking this new manager more and more... i want my old manager back :(

#3. i put this as my fb status last night "sometimes you wonder how your best friend can change so much... right before your very eyes... to the point where.. even you don't know what to do anymore" and i've gotten such depressing comments on it! like geez =/ not giving up on him that easily..

--
 edit: a couple of hours later...

let me just emphasise point number #1 again.


Monday 12:25pm
Email - her  to me

"My iphone arrived today!! BUT nick also emailed me and i just realised that vodaphone charges 90c per minute plus 35c flagfall :( are they going to change this soon? 3 only charges 35c per 30 seconds..."

Monday 1:15pm
She makes a phone call to me asking me if i read her email and complaining about call rates again.
The phone line cuts out and I write her back an email at 

Monday 1:23pm
Email - me to her
"  YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS
YOU SHOULD DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH ON PHONE PLANS IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE THAT PICKY AND ANNOYING ABOUT IT.   "

i am confused about many things.

that i don't even know what i want anymore...

you can turn it on. you can turn it off. whenever you like. whenever you feel like it. it doesn't have feelings. so it doesn't feel unwanted when it's been off for so long. if it did though. i wonder if it would give up. 

that one important night when you get out of bed and stumble to turn the light on to find your way to the toilet... you flick the switch. but the bulb doesn't turn on. and you will feel annoyed because thats what it is there for right? the moments you need it. and it wouldn't switch on when you needed it. but thats okay. despite being annoyed, you've always got the light from your mobile phone that rests on your bedside table. the lightbulb can always be substituted.

or would it be the opposite. would the lightbulb not give up... will it continue waiting for the day that it is needed... and trust that one day you will appreciate it when you do have to wake up in the middle of the night and it turns on as soon as you flick that switch... or do you just take it for granted one more time?

you know when you spend a really long time saving money for this new and cool toy. maybe it's like an awesome lego usb. and when you first get it. it's so totally awesome. you use it continously for the first six months. storing all your uni work on it. and even showing it off to all your friends.

then after a while.. the novelty sorta wears away. and you start leaving it at home some days. sometimes when you need to save your assignment, you can't be bothered looking for it. or maybe you just don't remember where you put it. so you just use your other spare usb... and that spare usb is with you wherever you go. so i guess it becomes convenient for you. and you forget about the awesome lego usb... and it becomes a not-so-awesome lego usb.

until the day your computer crashes. and you need to find those notes you stored on that now not-so-awesome lego usb. but where did you put it? you forgot. because you haven't used it in that long. you've been using your spare. 

ahh, but now you need it. and it's only then, that you realize that your spare usb doesn't have what you need. and then... you look for it. but only when you need it, of course.

and who knows. after you get what you want, the next day you will probably forget about it again.

when you first get a pet, the novelty feature kicks in again. for the first few months you are playing with it, feeding it, treating it, loving it... 

especially for a dog. they need love and attention. they have a kind of bond with their owner.

but hey. what if the owner had some high profile job. maybe getting a dog wasn't so much of a good idea. the first few months were great... you looked forward to coming home from work, you look forward to taking the dog for a walk, playing with the dog in the park... you also fed the dog dinner at night... and spend time with the dog because you enjoyed playing with the dog.

but long hours at work started to kick in. you find yourself coming home from work exhausted. it's not your fault. work is tough. you end up being too tired to take the dog for a walk. you always say 'maybe tomorrow'... but that tomorrow never becomes a today. the dog is left outside. you're too busy with your own things... you do however find time to feed the dog, everyday, when you have time of course, when its convenient for you, even if that means a few minutes before midnight. feeding the dog is a necessity. to keep the dog alive. and thats all you are doing. keeping the dog alive because you are too busy for anything else really.

maybe getting that dog in the first place, wasn't a good idea. maybe it doesn't suit your lifestyle. but it's too late, right? you made a commitment. but work always takes precedence. so where and when are you going to find the time for that commitment you made to your pet?

and when you do finally  make time... is it because you want to? or because you have to.

over the past few days, even weeks, it feels like he's not even there...

i know part of it is my fault. the days he's wanted to talk, i wasn't in the mood.

and the days i've tried to talk to him, he's either busy with things or tired from being busy.

there's so many things i want to say.

to share how excited i am about starting up a leos club, and how glad i am lighthouse will be there to back me up

to share how upset i was this morning when my mother was so upset and was just shouting, that i just grabbed her before i left and hugged her, both crying on each others shoulders.

to show how annoyed and upset i am, at disorganised people

to share how confused and uncertain i am about my future

to share how much i hate the dust that made me sneeze today while cleaning my room

to share how ugly i look on that yoty booklet i found today

it's not that i don't have anyone to share this with. i could call up an, and tell him everything. i could reopen that msn conversation with louis, and tell him everything. i could change the topic of the skype conversation with david, and tell him everything.

but it wouldn't be the same. they wouldn't understand like you do. they wouldn't comfort me like you do. i want to tell you.

but i know that when you call tomorrow... i won't have anything to say. because that's what happens when i'm like this. i no longer feel that excitement i had about this. the annoyedness i had about that. the hate. the confusion. the tears.

it all just fades away, as i listen to your voice, and wonder how we ended up so far apart.

the past few weeks i have constantly felt like giving up.

i keep telling people that i'm doing a bsc, majorin in psyc and applied statistics. but i really want to do med instead. and it's true. i do. but i'm starting to question it more and more... to why it's not happening, if it's really for me? and maybe there's a long way to get to it, and that's what some have told me - but maybe there's not as well?

i feel like giving up on the umat. it's less than six months away. but i signed up to medentry anyways... but i still haven't done any drills. the motivation is not there. the drive. i don't know if i can take it anymore. i just want to give up.

sometimes i even feel like giving up, in my relationship with josh. sometimes i feel like we're constantly fighting. that we lack communication. that we're both changing for the worse. and it's weird, because i tell people all the time that we're going fine, but that main issues are things like his parents... because i know how stupid our fights would sound if i were to be truthful.

i don't want people to think our relationship is not going to last. that it is fragile. stupid even. but by not opening up, i'm just keeping all the issues to myself. soon to explode.

when things go wrong at work. when i'm tired. when it's busy. when i can't take it anymore... i feel like giving up.

when i have plans and big ideas for making a difference. and i get set backs. i feel like giving up too. i tell people that they are just set backs, and just that. but to me, i know that it's not that easy.

when i look at myself and see who i am today. and who i want to become... and it seems unreachable...  i feel like giving up.

it's like i'm running a race. but falling at every hurdle. falling flat on my face. every time. what's going to keep me going? after every fall? what's going to pick me up? to keep my eyes on the end? and what's going to get me to that finish line?

because there is oh so much more to go.

i've barely got pass the start... and i already feel like giving up.

i spewed up today, but i blame the listerine.

i walked by a customer who looked lost, but i kept on walking.

i know time is running out, but i keep putting it off.

i heard him, but i chose to ignore it.

i see the mess, but i don't bother to clean it.

i am tired, but i still go.

i care, but i am stubborn.

i'm not hungry, but i eat it.

i hate it, but i take it.

i love him, but i don't show it.

maybe i haven't been myself lately. but what defines 'me'?

i have always been that girl immersed in a large amount of extra curricular activities.

the girl who gets along with (most) her teachers and (most) of her friend's parents.

a control freak even. definately bossy. and a perfectionist or at least, strives to be.

independent... has been something i've always thought i was.

and failure is definately not something i find easy to deal with.

so what has my life amounted too in the past year? what did i accomplish in 2009?

well to be honest, i didn't do that much last year.. compared to previous years. but lets just focus on last year.

in 2009, i was a UWA first year bachelor of science student. a UMAT candidate. a facebooker. a zonta conference guest speaker. a YOTY on national tour. a superviser at reddot. a new casual at vodafone. a welcomer at church. a part of a lifegroup. a daughter. a sister. a girlfriend and a friend.

i look at that list of things and i feel like i have failed a greater part of them. as a student, i didn't score as well as i could have. as a umat candidate, i could have always done more. as a facebooker, i didn't spend my time well. as a conference guest speaker, i rushed writing my speech the night before. as a yoty, i've lost that closeness because i haven't kept in contact with them through the year. as a supervisor, i have been bossy and demanding. as a new casual, i have been careless and slow. as a welcomer, i have been lazy and unwilling. as part of a lifegroup, i could have contributed more. as a daughter, i have been rude, disrespectful and unhelpful. as a sister, i have been selfish, annoying and unfriendly. as a girlfriend, i have been insensitive, attachy and stubborn. as a friend, i have been neglectful, unhelpful and not there, when i should have been.

it's kinda sad because, i tell people that i stopped doing a lot of things last year because i wanted to focus on the umat, i wanted to focus on persuing my dreams. but even with that, i am not where i thought i would be. not where i want to be.

so yes, to me, 2009 was not my year. in fact, it was very much a year of failure for me. i believe i've failed to not only be where i want to be, but also to be who i want to be.

i want to be a good student. a person who makes a difference in their community. a hard worker. a helpful daughter. a friendly sister. a loving girlfriend. a trustworthy friend.

and most of all, i want to be one who trusts in God when the future looks dim. who relies on God through every obstacle. who shines God's love in every environment. who stands strong in Christ, when troubles come. who rests in Christ, when things get busy. who is full of the joy of the Lord (haha, JBBM!) when things don't go my way.

and that is the person i want to be.

i spent all afternoon and night next to my laptop. even when i was watching tv, i had it on the table in front of me..

waiting for him to come online. i was tired and sleepy. but i stayed awake anyways. because we always talk before we go to bed.

and i waited and waited.

only to recieve a call from a boy who was sad because he had no one to talk to and was jealous that his friend got to play with this other girl. and he didn't.

how sad.

and even more so, because i feel like nothing.

i really need to get a life.

i gave up trying today. i don't know why. almost like i've had enough.

that it's not the same anymore. that i'm not the same anymore.

and i don't know what i want anymore.