Wednesday, November 25, 2009
♥ three words
there is such a precious three words, that i taught myself not to say so much. until i found this boy.
this morning i woke up, and felt like blogging about how i feel. about how we might be falling apart. about how what happened to her this time last year... could happen to me this time this year. is it him? or is it me? could i be better?
my heart is hurt, and by habit i want to push that pain away. but it is because of those three words that carry much meaning, that causes me to put up with it. that book i'm reading (but stopped temporarily), tells me to change... to be better... to chase... to love... to win. but i am not in a marriage. and i don't know if i can do that. even if those three words are true.
i went to my blog home page earlier and on my blog updates was this verse that someone had put on their blog...
“Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” – Phillipines 4:6-7 (NLT)
i need that peace right now.
9:51 AM
Saturday, November 21, 2009
♥ zZz...
so i've been wearing myself out lately, and i got my period yest, so it's just like double zZZzzzzzzz........
todays been pretty cruisey though. woke up around 10ish, but got outta bed at 11...
tried to help dad with his garmin thing, ahh technology. i can't believe he bought it without asking me first, and now he doesn't know how to use it (and neither do i!)
followed him to the shops for a bit, didn't even buy anything... just walked around. figured i need to get some exercise.
came back home and tutored. and here i am lying in bed. feeling like a nap actually...
don't know whats happening tonight.
josh wants me to follow him to his cousin's farewell. the girls are still going for a late night picnic i think.
last night is a long storyyyyyy. and i'm too tired to explain. it was very up and down though.
anddd my stomach hurts and i just want to sleep.
gnite.
Labels: pain, pms, sleep, technology, worn out
4:26 PM
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
♥ band aid
yesterday i scraped my foot on edge of my whiteboard. before it started bleeding i put a bandaid on top. which i took off when i went to shower.
i totally had forgotten about it, it didn't really hurt. until i put my thongs on today. and right where my wound is, lies the strap of my thong.
and so now. it hurts.
and i don't have a band aid to get rid of the pain.
10:06 AM
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
♥ who i am now
compare the me of a year ago, to the me of now.
and i see a striking contrast.
a year ago, i never imagined i would own a pair of skinny jeans.
a year ago, i never imagined i would be the international district winner of zonta ywpaa.
a year ago, i didn't think i would own more than 20 tshirts.
a year ago, i didn't think i would be dating the boy that i thought was arrogant and proud.
a year ago, i was strong minded, confident, emotionally stable and just... strong in general.
i had values. beliefs. morals. and i stuck by them wholeheartedly.
slowly i have changed. i still have those values, beliefs and morals. my wardrobe may have increased. my fashion may have changed. my love life may have changed.
but what i find the most worrying... is that i'm not as strong anymore.
a few years ago, i remember telling my mate, how all the guys i had dated were so emotionally dependent on me. and how i had such bad taste because i'd always pick them!
and now i look at myself.
and I'VE TURNED INTO THEM.
how insane. i don't like it.
how could i look so disgustedly at the things people did a year ago.. and find myself doing it now.
how can i attempt to point out the speck in the eye of another, without taking out the log in my own.
but more than that... i've become someone i never imagined i would become.
i've become someone i never wanted to be. and i look at myself today and feel disgusted.
i feel like a hypocrite.
i feel like i've lost who i was, and turned into who i am.
i need a break. i need to stop. to lose who i am. and find the me 'i want to be' again.
what happened to me?
i'm a wreak.
p.s. please don't give me the cheer up phone call or convos. i just need to be left alone. thanks.
Labels: bad days, boyfriend, clothes, exbf/exgf, life, me, pain
6:07 PM
Sunday, August 9, 2009
♥ six months
you can do some pretty awesome stuff with toothpicks
but they can also be pretty dangerous
yesterday i was walking through my front tv room in the dark when i stepped on a toothpick which someone stabbed a hole into my foot. originally i thought i had stepped on a needle, but really it was a toothpick. and it hurt. and bled. and it still kinda hurts as i walked today.
it's been just over a week since my parents have been away, and another week to go. it's been a struggle. really. i was telling andy today that i'm going to live with my parents until im married. i rely on them immensely for food, washing and transport. things that are so time consuming and difficult to live without. really, i heart my parents. and appreciate them so much more.
yesterday was a pretty good day. except for the fact i missed my bus (because alison called with my flight details) and i ended up walking to the shops.. which took a good half an hr.. ahh gg. it reminded me of the days that me and nig use to walk to school because it thought i couldnt do it. like 45min walk! lol.
well today marks 6 months in. i think we're past the whole "winning each other over" stage and into the "putting up with each other" haha. i dont know if its a good thing, because now he's not afraid of farting in front of me -.-" and its kinda ... ... disgusting! lol.
i guess you could say i'm beginning to feel more comfortable around his family, we have good laughs sometimes, but its still awkward at other times. i still kinda feel like they dont think i'm good enough for him. i like talking to his brothers though, because now that my bro is off and married, putting up with a sister just isnt the same.
his household is very different to mine though, in terms of how they do things, chores, dinner at the table - altogether... i guess they're bit more traditionally asian than my family i rekon. even though my family is still asian. hopefully our parents will get along. i think our dads will. idk abt mums though. i can envision it now. how awkward if they both called each other by their names (because they're both named cynthia ahaha)
anyways, back to josh. i think i know most of his bad habits/flaws already. he cracks his knuckles - no matter how many times i tell him off for doing so... he yawns at church without putting his hand over his mouth! he bullies his little brother (oh gosh, reminds me of when my brother use to bully me). haha theres more. but i think we are both continously growing, continously learning. and we want to be better people. and we can help each other do that, but pointing out certain aspects of our personality or our lives that needs improvement. i think its great that we can be so honest with each other. and i think thats pretty important.
i must admit, i rekon we fight a lot. well not fight, but maybe "disagree". haha. we argue. we're both stubborn. maybe even too prideful to drop a point at times. But i think we're both learning to be more understanding, less argumentative, and more loving.
And for me, i have the difficult task of becoming more independent. which wouldn't have been difficult for me a year ago. but because he's such a integrated part of my life... i've been way too dependent on him. hopefully its just a stage. and i'll be out of it soon. geez, i never thought i'd be like i am now haha its so bad.
back to being two upright standing cans.
but they can also be pretty dangerousyesterday i was walking through my front tv room in the dark when i stepped on a toothpick which someone stabbed a hole into my foot. originally i thought i had stepped on a needle, but really it was a toothpick. and it hurt. and bled. and it still kinda hurts as i walked today.
it's been just over a week since my parents have been away, and another week to go. it's been a struggle. really. i was telling andy today that i'm going to live with my parents until im married. i rely on them immensely for food, washing and transport. things that are so time consuming and difficult to live without. really, i heart my parents. and appreciate them so much more.
yesterday was a pretty good day. except for the fact i missed my bus (because alison called with my flight details) and i ended up walking to the shops.. which took a good half an hr.. ahh gg. it reminded me of the days that me and nig use to walk to school because it thought i couldnt do it. like 45min walk! lol.
well today marks 6 months in. i think we're past the whole "winning each other over" stage and into the "putting up with each other" haha. i dont know if its a good thing, because now he's not afraid of farting in front of me -.-" and its kinda ... ... disgusting! lol.
i guess you could say i'm beginning to feel more comfortable around his family, we have good laughs sometimes, but its still awkward at other times. i still kinda feel like they dont think i'm good enough for him. i like talking to his brothers though, because now that my bro is off and married, putting up with a sister just isnt the same.
his household is very different to mine though, in terms of how they do things, chores, dinner at the table - altogether... i guess they're bit more traditionally asian than my family i rekon. even though my family is still asian. hopefully our parents will get along. i think our dads will. idk abt mums though. i can envision it now. how awkward if they both called each other by their names (because they're both named cynthia ahaha)
anyways, back to josh. i think i know most of his bad habits/flaws already. he cracks his knuckles - no matter how many times i tell him off for doing so... he yawns at church without putting his hand over his mouth! he bullies his little brother (oh gosh, reminds me of when my brother use to bully me). haha theres more. but i think we are both continously growing, continously learning. and we want to be better people. and we can help each other do that, but pointing out certain aspects of our personality or our lives that needs improvement. i think its great that we can be so honest with each other. and i think thats pretty important.
i must admit, i rekon we fight a lot. well not fight, but maybe "disagree". haha. we argue. we're both stubborn. maybe even too prideful to drop a point at times. But i think we're both learning to be more understanding, less argumentative, and more loving.And for me, i have the difficult task of becoming more independent. which wouldn't have been difficult for me a year ago. but because he's such a integrated part of my life... i've been way too dependent on him. hopefully its just a stage. and i'll be out of it soon. geez, i never thought i'd be like i am now haha its so bad.
back to being two upright standing cans.
Labels: boyfriend, family, pain, parents, relationships, walks, zonta
1:26 PM
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
♥ my body aches
yesterday was the first day i played badminton in a longlong time.
i'm feeling the effects now......
arghhhhhhhhhhhh the pain.
i think thats a sign that i should get back into sport... and stop being so fat and lazy... xD...
i'm feeling the effects now......
arghhhhhhhhhhhh the pain.
i think thats a sign that i should get back into sport... and stop being so fat and lazy... xD...
6:32 PM
Thursday, May 14, 2009
♥ hate.
hate is such a strong word. really =/...
but sometimes i say it without realizing it.. e.g. "eww i hatee thattt"
today my mum brought up the topic of this fall out, i had with an old friend years ago... we're talking like year 4 or 5 or something...
she was telling me how i had told this girl 'not to listen to her parents'... and she told her mum. and then her mum told the school and they called my mum.. etc etc (zzzz.. long story man)
but i was surprised with the new info she gave - that mother of that old friend had called the school to ask that i not be placed in the same year 7 class as her.
like woah =/ was i really that bad of an influence?
anyways. the way I remember it though, is that... i dont remember telling that girl not to listen to her parents. but i do remember telling her that i hated mine.
i remember something along the lines of having a fight with my parents, and i was really angry at them. i went to her house. and i remember sitting on her bed (im pretty sure it was a bunk bed) and i remember telling her how i hated my parents.
and when this whole thing blew up (school got contacted etc and my mother got called up) i remember my mum telling me off because she was told by the school that i told that girl not to listen to her parents. and i remember telling her that i didn't say that. but not being able to explain or say what i really did say... i couldn't bring myself to say to her, that i actually had said that i hated her.
so today i explained to my mother the real story (or what i percieved as the real story). and it was really hard. how do you tell your mother that you once said that you hated her... oh how i was such a silly kid.
but i think i've realized that... when we are young. when we are kids. we don't understand sometimes. we think we do. but really we don't.
you know. it was really hard telling my mum the real story. like really hard. to tell her that i once verbally stated that i hated her.
not long ago, i think it was mother's day. i blogged about how my child would hurt me one day. but i would still love them unconditionally. i wonder how i will feel... when my child tells me they hate me. i know they wouldn't mean it. i know that they're too young to understand. but it would still hurt.
hate. it's such a harsh word.
but sometimes i say it without realizing it.. e.g. "eww i hatee thattt"
today my mum brought up the topic of this fall out, i had with an old friend years ago... we're talking like year 4 or 5 or something...
she was telling me how i had told this girl 'not to listen to her parents'... and she told her mum. and then her mum told the school and they called my mum.. etc etc (zzzz.. long story man)
but i was surprised with the new info she gave - that mother of that old friend had called the school to ask that i not be placed in the same year 7 class as her.
like woah =/ was i really that bad of an influence?
anyways. the way I remember it though, is that... i dont remember telling that girl not to listen to her parents. but i do remember telling her that i hated mine.
i remember something along the lines of having a fight with my parents, and i was really angry at them. i went to her house. and i remember sitting on her bed (im pretty sure it was a bunk bed) and i remember telling her how i hated my parents.
and when this whole thing blew up (school got contacted etc and my mother got called up) i remember my mum telling me off because she was told by the school that i told that girl not to listen to her parents. and i remember telling her that i didn't say that. but not being able to explain or say what i really did say... i couldn't bring myself to say to her, that i actually had said that i hated her.
so today i explained to my mother the real story (or what i percieved as the real story). and it was really hard. how do you tell your mother that you once said that you hated her... oh how i was such a silly kid.
but i think i've realized that... when we are young. when we are kids. we don't understand sometimes. we think we do. but really we don't.
you know. it was really hard telling my mum the real story. like really hard. to tell her that i once verbally stated that i hated her.
not long ago, i think it was mother's day. i blogged about how my child would hurt me one day. but i would still love them unconditionally. i wonder how i will feel... when my child tells me they hate me. i know they wouldn't mean it. i know that they're too young to understand. but it would still hurt.
hate. it's such a harsh word.
Labels: children, family, friends, future, hate, love, pain, parents, relationships
6:33 PM
Friday, December 19, 2008
♥ If I were a boy.....
mhmmm... hehe had this song in my head yesterday after hearin it on the radio on the way to work
the vid clip is good aye =) i quite like it...
YouTube Video
If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
the vid clip is good aye =) i quite like it...
YouTube Video
If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy
Labels: life, pain, relationships
8:16 PM
♥ romeoechobravooscaruniformnovemberdelta
sigh.
i think ur not. i hope ur not.
but if u were... it would hurt.
it would hurt ... a lot.
it already hurts, just thinking that you might be...
are you?
i hope not...
i need to make sure...
i want to believe...
ur right... we'll eventually find out.
i just dont know if i could handle it... if it was true.
sigh.
i think ur not. i hope ur not.
but if u were... it would hurt.
it would hurt ... a lot.
it already hurts, just thinking that you might be...
are you?
i hope not...
i need to make sure...
i want to believe...
ur right... we'll eventually find out.
i just dont know if i could handle it... if it was true.
sigh.
Labels: life, pain, relationships
7:41 PM
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
♥ painnnnn...
argh i could hardly get up this morning.
the fact i havent played baddy in 9 months, the suddenly played somewhat "intensely" on monday... is really taking its toll on me.
but it was good catching up on sleep, considering i havent been gettin much of it lately! due to organisin this leaders thingo we're doing... ugh those invites took agess to print at 2am.
anyways. today was pretty lazyish. but i was in pain anyways... so i couldnt really do too much.
downloaded all the camera pics to my lappy the copied it to harddrive.. did some packing for leaveres (since im leaving 2moro!!) and yeahh did more organisin for the dinner.
heading out tonight for some icecream with some of the guys from church. which will be a good break. just to chill out. which i havent had much of a chance to do..
leavers 2moro. til sunday. will be crazy. but fun. but also very tiring.. hopefully my body would heal by then so i can handle it.. or i might find myself just lazying around for most of the day.. boo.
anyways. mikey told me the w595 is coming out on three =D.. very excited & happy. means i wont have to get it outright ^^... such a lovely phone... esp the red & white one =)... *dreamy look*
yeah i was looking up like other SE phones.. couldnt really find one that i liked to be honest... and then i was on the sony website when i say the w595... <333333
i hope it comes out soon, pref before my cap ends, so i can just switch caps and get it..
yeah i wasnt sure if i should upgrade from my 29 cap.. but i seem to keep overspending and going over it. so i guess i might as well... $__$
kinda happy cauz i got paid for the weekend ^^... $180... for 8 hours on sat, and 3 hrs on sun at reddot xP... comes down to around $13 an hour? something like that.. not bad i guess.. especially for reddot ^^... its kinda tiring though. but then again, mayb its cauz i havent worked in SO long.
the manager lady wants to train me up! maybe even to supervisor sorta level... she wants me to be her support sorta person. which will be good for experience i guess. i dont know i could handle working there for so long though.. atm, the people who work there are realllyyyy hard to work with. some of them are okay though, otherwise some are just plain lazyyy.
but at the moment its convenient - the hours, transport, pay etc... so yeah. we'll see how it goes
anyways. i better head off. going out for icecream with the guyss from churchh. haha will be fun. kinda funny how i get along with older people so well. even though they're like 10 yrs older than me. i guess its handy. the ability to communicate with people of all ages. =]
the fact i havent played baddy in 9 months, the suddenly played somewhat "intensely" on monday... is really taking its toll on me.
but it was good catching up on sleep, considering i havent been gettin much of it lately! due to organisin this leaders thingo we're doing... ugh those invites took agess to print at 2am.
anyways. today was pretty lazyish. but i was in pain anyways... so i couldnt really do too much.
downloaded all the camera pics to my lappy the copied it to harddrive.. did some packing for leaveres (since im leaving 2moro!!) and yeahh did more organisin for the dinner.
heading out tonight for some icecream with some of the guys from church. which will be a good break. just to chill out. which i havent had much of a chance to do..
leavers 2moro. til sunday. will be crazy. but fun. but also very tiring.. hopefully my body would heal by then so i can handle it.. or i might find myself just lazying around for most of the day.. boo.
anyways. mikey told me the w595 is coming out on three =D.. very excited & happy. means i wont have to get it outright ^^... such a lovely phone... esp the red & white one =)... *dreamy look*
yeah i was looking up like other SE phones.. couldnt really find one that i liked to be honest... and then i was on the sony website when i say the w595... <333333
i hope it comes out soon, pref before my cap ends, so i can just switch caps and get it..
yeah i wasnt sure if i should upgrade from my 29 cap.. but i seem to keep overspending and going over it. so i guess i might as well... $__$
kinda happy cauz i got paid for the weekend ^^... $180... for 8 hours on sat, and 3 hrs on sun at reddot xP... comes down to around $13 an hour? something like that.. not bad i guess.. especially for reddot ^^... its kinda tiring though. but then again, mayb its cauz i havent worked in SO long.
the manager lady wants to train me up! maybe even to supervisor sorta level... she wants me to be her support sorta person. which will be good for experience i guess. i dont know i could handle working there for so long though.. atm, the people who work there are realllyyyy hard to work with. some of them are okay though, otherwise some are just plain lazyyy.
but at the moment its convenient - the hours, transport, pay etc... so yeah. we'll see how it goes
anyways. i better head off. going out for icecream with the guyss from churchh. haha will be fun. kinda funny how i get along with older people so well. even though they're like 10 yrs older than me. i guess its handy. the ability to communicate with people of all ages. =]
8:33 PM
