when things catch you off guard, and you have a bit of a shock... it's hard to just rest.

a billion things go through your mind and you fall back into old habits.

trying to plan your life again. saying what if this happened... then i'm going to do this... and if this happened then i guess i can do this.

you try to do things your way. and what you've learnt over the past few years about resting and about trusting in God... it slowly slips out of your mind...

i didn't get first round offers. second rounds for 2011 undergraduate entry is out on the 2nd of feb.

for 2012 postgraduate entry you need to do gamsat in 2011. the closing date for gamsat registration is also 2nd of feb. gamsat is on the 26th of march. gamsat include first year chemistry & biology and yr 12 physics - which means you'll need to devote much time to study for it... especially if you haven't done any of those subjects for a couple of years....

due to the change over to the new courses... in 2013 there will be no graduate entry medicine.

the start of the new courses - postgraduate: doctor of medicine... begins 2014.

sigh. old habits die hard. 

i am thinking too far ahead. i am doubting without even realizing i am.. without even wanting to.

that rest belongs to me. why did i let it go? it's mine, and i'm taking it back thanks.

i'm am filled with anger. that's just ready to burst out of me, like punches to a punching bag. but preferably a person replacing a bag.

but i know it's not anger that's got me right now. that's just on the surface. deep down i'm just feeling really hurt.

and that feeling of hurt stems from dissappointment. the kind that goes beyond just a sulk, but a real stab to the heart. the kind you have to force yourself to hold back the tears, but they always seem to make their way.

i will stop sounding emo now.

you know. one of the worst feelings is knowing that you didn't make the cut. that you disappointed. that you're a failure.

i've already accepted the fact that i didn't get into medicine. both first time around and second.

when people ask me if i got in, i smile back and reply with a not yet. and it doesn't hurt saying that anymore. it doesn't hurt telling people that i'm still doing psychology, but i really want to get into med - i just haven't made the cut. having people ask, is just a reminder that people know how much i wanted it. and thats cool.

i've accepted it. i know i can't look back. i can only look foward.

some people think i'm 'great'. with so much 'potential'. youth of the year you know? what more could you ask for?

and i appreciate it when people say i have 'potential'. i appreciate it when they say that they think i'm 'great'. but i guess inside i just know that i wasn't 'great' enough to get in.

my parents have always had the biggest emotional impact on me. i've always had their expectations. and i always make my own expectations even higher than theirs. so when i do fall below their expectations - i am deeply cut, not only because i didn't meet theirs, but also because i fell short of my own.

i was so cut about not making interviews last year. although i showed very little emotion to my parents. inside i was just so heartbroken. how coukd i not be? it was everything i wanted. and to miss out a second time. it hurt.

and despite getting over it and moving on... every time my dad mentions how i failed the umat, like my life is joke, i am brought to tears.

he doesn't understand how much it hurt. it hurt me more than he could ever understand. it hurt me more than he realizes. and it hurts even more to be reminded of how much of a failure i am in my father's eyes.

he doesn't understand how hard it is. how hard it is for me. he complains about money, little does he realize that i paid for my own medentry course this year. and my own rego through acer.

all i need is support and encouragement.  not a reminder that i am a failure. because i know that already. but it still hurts everytime the words come out of your mouth.

it's easy for josh to tell me to prove him wrong. for him to point out how much i haven't been practising umat or haven't been studying hard. to tell me to be stronger, and that what he says doesn't matter.

but do you have any idea how it feels to know your parents think you're a failure? and despite the many of you who will tell me that i am not... even if i believe you, it doesn't change what my parents see, and might i add - constantly remind me of.

i hate you right now.

okay, not hate. but it feels like it.

feel so agitated and angry and fustrated and you have no idea.

and because i can't sleep, in my head i think of all the angry things i could do, like push you away and not talk to you and totally ignore you... shout at you, tell you off, bitch about you.

because i'm just so angry!

and it's just burning inside of me.

because secretly i know its not just you, it's me.

but i don't care right now. i just want out.

you can turn it on. you can turn it off. whenever you like. whenever you feel like it. it doesn't have feelings. so it doesn't feel unwanted when it's been off for so long. if it did though. i wonder if it would give up. 

that one important night when you get out of bed and stumble to turn the light on to find your way to the toilet... you flick the switch. but the bulb doesn't turn on. and you will feel annoyed because thats what it is there for right? the moments you need it. and it wouldn't switch on when you needed it. but thats okay. despite being annoyed, you've always got the light from your mobile phone that rests on your bedside table. the lightbulb can always be substituted.

or would it be the opposite. would the lightbulb not give up... will it continue waiting for the day that it is needed... and trust that one day you will appreciate it when you do have to wake up in the middle of the night and it turns on as soon as you flick that switch... or do you just take it for granted one more time?

you know when you spend a really long time saving money for this new and cool toy. maybe it's like an awesome lego usb. and when you first get it. it's so totally awesome. you use it continously for the first six months. storing all your uni work on it. and even showing it off to all your friends.

then after a while.. the novelty sorta wears away. and you start leaving it at home some days. sometimes when you need to save your assignment, you can't be bothered looking for it. or maybe you just don't remember where you put it. so you just use your other spare usb... and that spare usb is with you wherever you go. so i guess it becomes convenient for you. and you forget about the awesome lego usb... and it becomes a not-so-awesome lego usb.

until the day your computer crashes. and you need to find those notes you stored on that now not-so-awesome lego usb. but where did you put it? you forgot. because you haven't used it in that long. you've been using your spare. 

ahh, but now you need it. and it's only then, that you realize that your spare usb doesn't have what you need. and then... you look for it. but only when you need it, of course.

and who knows. after you get what you want, the next day you will probably forget about it again.

when you first get a pet, the novelty feature kicks in again. for the first few months you are playing with it, feeding it, treating it, loving it... 

especially for a dog. they need love and attention. they have a kind of bond with their owner.

but hey. what if the owner had some high profile job. maybe getting a dog wasn't so much of a good idea. the first few months were great... you looked forward to coming home from work, you look forward to taking the dog for a walk, playing with the dog in the park... you also fed the dog dinner at night... and spend time with the dog because you enjoyed playing with the dog.

but long hours at work started to kick in. you find yourself coming home from work exhausted. it's not your fault. work is tough. you end up being too tired to take the dog for a walk. you always say 'maybe tomorrow'... but that tomorrow never becomes a today. the dog is left outside. you're too busy with your own things... you do however find time to feed the dog, everyday, when you have time of course, when its convenient for you, even if that means a few minutes before midnight. feeding the dog is a necessity. to keep the dog alive. and thats all you are doing. keeping the dog alive because you are too busy for anything else really.

maybe getting that dog in the first place, wasn't a good idea. maybe it doesn't suit your lifestyle. but it's too late, right? you made a commitment. but work always takes precedence. so where and when are you going to find the time for that commitment you made to your pet?

and when you do finally  make time... is it because you want to? or because you have to.

i think i get it now

we both have friends.

and i know that i could tell my closest friends anything i wanted

but when it comes down to more than just whats happening, when it comes down to feelings and emotions...

the truth is that i don't want to confide in anyone else but him.

maybe it's because they won't understand like he will...

they won't respond, comfort, support, encourage, like he will...

i haven't broken that superificial comfort barrier with a lot of people yet. you know the kind where they just pat you on the back. or take you out for icecream when you're down... rather than hold you as you cry and just listen to you babble. the comfort barrier, it's still there with many. it's not their fault. i've very rarely opened up enough to anyone like that to be able to break it to start with.

even with my best friend. it still takes a night out with icecream or waffles before we actually get to real 'talking about the actual issue' bit

where as he... he confides in his friends every day. 

maybe he's broken past that superficial barrier, if not, at least more so that i. if he needed to cry to someone or have someone pray for him, i rekon he'd have at least one or two friends he could call.

where as me? he'd would be the only one i wouldn't hesitate to call. doesn't help if i'm crying over him to start with though.

and so, as much as i love my best friend, i would still hesitate. because i don't think my best friend would know how to deal with a crying girl on the phone. i don't think many people would. it's not the best thing to put someone through.

the worst bit is that, if i lose that comfort in confiding in him, if i begin to hesitate before contacting him. i'm sorta left... with noone. obviously my fault, because i should break that superficial barrier with people. 

so today, i had my emo phase.because i felt like i couldn't talk to him. that i did begin to hesitate... and then... ... it was like... i had no one to call.

was bit of a reality check. time to break some superficial comfort barriers maybe? or find out why i lost that comfort in confiding in him, and fix it...

my favourite quote is by martha washington...

another saying i have heard people say is.. being content is not getting what you want. but wanting what you have.

how do i believe everything is going to be okay?
when everything seems so wrong.

how do i open my ears to listen?
when i know that what i hear, may not be what i want to hear.

how do i know what to do?
when i'm too confused and afraid to ask.

how do i try to be strong?
when i feel like breaking down.

how do i stop crying?
when i just can't help it.

how do i believe in the impossible?
when i have reality constantly shoved in my face...  
even by the ones i love.

my boyfriend was playing baddy.

my best mate was at his cousins party.

even my parents were at some festival in the city.

i've been pretty good though, i've only cried twice.

first when kavin said he was sorry to hear it.

and secondly when my boyfriend asked me what my mum said.

oh and now, but it hasn't really stopped since he asked me that a few minutes ago.

parents are trying to be good. dad's being the usual and ignoring the situation altogether.

mum talked about postgrad options and focused on how hard it must be to get in as nonstandard  undergrad...

i don't know where to begin. people have already asked me what i'm going to do.

but the truth is that i don't know. i haven't thought about it, partly because i am in no state to do so.

on other news. angus and robertson called, but i was at work, dad said they were asking for an interview. it's the calender club thing i think. hopefully i get it (and hopefully its good pay). reddot gave a really good reference, the 2ic told me what she said to them today.

i had some really cool customers. just friendly. i haven't been able to talk to customers like that in a while, since i've rarely been on till, cauz i'm usually in charge. one of them even asked me what i was studying, and i told her science, but how i was trying to get into med. and she told me i'd get there eventually.

till was down again. sigh.  ~ $50 today. thats like down $175 over two days. that's insane.

oh yeah i wasn't meant to work today. well at least i didnt know i was meant to. got a call at like 10am saying "did u know u were meant to work today?" sigh. i tried to get out of it, but they had no one else. so didn't end up going to uni/sma... msged my instructor to cancel driving. BUT he somehow didn't get it (which is absurb because he always msgs me and stuff. so he does know how to use it..) and waited for me at uni =[ gah feel so bad... working tomorrow arvo. and most nights next week because we're refitting (ahhhh, reddot is attempting to make itself look better! but i doubt it'd be much better than tthe NEW reject shop which is popping up soon)

anyways. here's some answers to some questions that i know everyone will ask.

no.

nothing.

oh actually, prayer would be good.

i haven't thought about it yet. there are several options. continue bsc psyc, change to bsc biomed, change to a totally different course, defer for a yr and retake umat, or focus on just postgrad. i haven't decided. and i have a long way to go before i have to...

well if you want me to breakdown and burst into tears in front of you then you can give me a big hug and tell me it's going to be ok. otherwise just don't mention it and... be normal.

okay thats it for now. busy weekend ahead. sorry if i sound grumpy/emo/hostile.

it just had to come on my 8 months anno too =[