i sorta lost motivation to do my assignments today.

it's so BORRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGG.

then i just had a convo with hsern ern about umat, interviews and gpa scores... and i've realized that... i'm not in a particularly great spot at the moment. and hence i shouldn't be slacking!

talking to him really helped put things into perspective, especially when we started to compare his results from last year to mine, this year.

my gpa is pretty borderline, and will most likely fall into the bottom third. my umat score will definately fall into the bottom third... and what's left is just the interview!

it's weighted 1:2:2 being umat, gpa and interview respectively. 

well can't change anything now about the umat score... and first i need to actually get an interview offer before i can try to do well in the interview

but in the mean time i really need to work hard to up that GPA of mine... and hopefully push it into the middle third at least! And that means my final marks in all my units MUST be over 75... but i really need to push all for 80+ to bump to something decent. it's really difficult because it doesn't bump up that much! like i got 3HDs, 1D last sem, and it only bumped up my gpa but like 0.15 =___= sighhhhhhh.

hmmm i just worked it out, and even if i got straight HDs, it would only put me into like the middle third... NOT looking good. but i guess thats better than bottom third!

i hope i can pull it off, especially with this lameo atypical development unit i've got..... uber difficult.

NO TIME FOR SLACKING.

gotta work hard!

Josh and I decided we would sponsor a child a while ago

and the opportunitiy came up yesterday at mission conference.

From Philippines, Born Thursday, 15 May 2003

Jamahlyn lives with her parents, brother and sister in the Philippines where 40 per cent of the people live below the poverty line. Her dutues at home include gathering firewood, helping in the kitchen and doing odd jobs.

Jamahlyn's father occasionally works as a farm labourer. For his demanding work he recieved a small allowance, and it is a struggle for him to provide the basic needs his family requires.

Playing house, art and playing with dolls are Jamahlyn's favourite activities. In pre-school she is finding learning difficult and she also regularly attends church activities.

Your love and support help Jamahlyn to receive the assitance she needs to develop her potential. Please pray for her.

You know, I think I've just realized that the past six months have been very self focussed.  It's been all about me studying for umat, or about me study for uni, and very much about me setting myself up for the future. Which I do believe is very important, and something I did  slightly lose grip of in year 12. But for now, I also believe that I've just missed that sense of actually doing something. It's so easy to get tied up in our own lives that we forget about all those people who need our help.

I believe this year has been a year of 'learning' for me, as I haven't had as much time to be actually 'doing' things. Yes, I've spent the last few months doing UMAT etc, but it's over now. And you know, I really just want to get back into it because, because I feel thats what I have a heart for.

I was having this conversation with Josh last night... and he saying that his way of doing something is by studying really hard because he wants to be the best doctor he can be. He wants to really set himself up for the future and that he's not just going to be a medical student who just passed all his units, but really wants to do well at uni so that he is a good doctor. He's a medical student who really sees that end goal and has that sort of motivation to keep at it so that he can reach there.

But I guess that's how we differ a little. I'm more someone who yes, has that end goal too, but I feel that there are also things that I could be doing now. Rather than just leaving it all for the later years of my life. The struggle for me would be to balance the 'doing now' and the 'preparing to do in future' aspect of things. Because I believe both are as equally important and I will always remember my mother telling me that if I do too much now, it might compromise my preparation for the future (she thinks that I did too much in year 12 that it affected my results - and maybe she's right, but maybe she's not and i would have ended up where i am now anyways)

I guess for me, it's striking that balance. and if I think of it as a spectrum, my boyfriend is more slightly to the preparation for the future side, and i'm more to the doing things now side. but we're not on total contrasts, he still does things now and i am still preparing for my future. 

I guess there's only so much time in a day. But my goal for the next six months would be to strike some sort of balance. Because I do need to get really good  grades for my GPA still. And I would still like to do some things that I think are important to me without having to feel guilty about not doing umat! lol. because it's over and I've done all I can and now it's time to move on to focusing on other things that are important too.

hello social life, i've missed you!

P.S. it was good :) i'm quite happy with how it went.. just gotta wait for results! because your score is determined on your percentile (how well you rank among others - not just how well you did)

and i'm alright.

the net's been cutting in and out which has been a bit annoying. and when i try to tether with my mob, it's really slow today.

but otherwise i am trying to not stress myself out.

ahhh just think, this time tomorrow i'll be (kinda) free.

i went for a walk before and was sorta thinking about it... i've been blessed with a great amount of support. i haven't hid the fact that i'm taking it from anyone really, and every person i tell is very encouraging. 

i've lost that feeling of shame if people see my flaws and 'failures'. because i am human. i'm not perfect. i do make mistakes. and there are times where i didn't put enough effort as i should have.

and i'd rather people think i'm a failure and end up succeeding. rather than seeing me as perfect when i'm secretly struggling to meet such expectations.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i am not ashamed.

well i had my first babysitting thingo this week!

it was great :) zeke is SOOOOOOOOO cute. like i know most babies are cute, but he is just super cute.

and he's so easy to look after. he totally just slept the whole time without waking up. and before that he was quite fun to play around with, even though he kept falling over it was so cute x) he does the cutest things! he like walks to the corner of their kitchen and tips over the soft drink bottles. and then if you put them back up again, he'll go back and tip them over! ahaha, gosh i hope my baby will be as cute as he is :(

i even noticed on the kitchen bench that huy had bought grace tulips and that made me go NAWWWWWWWW. super cute!

and i took dad out for dinner for his birthday (since i missed it while in sydney) and we went to chatters. that place has such nice decor, it's a great place for atmosphere. and the food is pretty good too.

my dad is quite awkward when it comes to conversations (my friends know, he always talks to ryeei about turning her dog into a hot dog lol) but it was nice. and didn't turn out too bad

how pretty is the desserts? one of the main reasons why i chose to go to chatters.

it was very tough to eat though! i even had trouble after i had asked for a knife!

it's been a good finish to these holidays i guess, except for the large amount of umat study i've had to do.

but lets hope it all pays off for next week :)

#1. I have these disgusting burns/scabs/blisters on my face. and they are absolutely horrific that I am very self conscious about them and don't really want to go out in public like this. even when nig came over yesterday i was like hiding my face with a pillow (and usually i don't care how crap i look like when i see him)

#2. Uni results... I got 3HDs and 1D ... =D! really happy about my HDs, but a little dissappointed about my D.. it was JUST on 70 (phew it wasn't one mark less). So I fell short my goal of getting everything above 75, and fell short of my goal of getting straight HDs. but it still turned out pretty good :) man scaling must have whoop-ed me bad for maths. really happy about my psyc unit results though, FINALLY a HD for a psychology unit!!! i've fallen short of it so many times (and oh so close too). But yes, my GPA has gone up! YAY! Hopefully it's enough to get into medicine :)

#3. I'm still recovering from a cold (zzz) that i caught in my final days in Sydney. I think I've finally gotten over the jet lag issue / lack of sleep from last week. For the past few days all I've been doing is sleeping!!!!!!!

#4. Uni Timetable is looking pretty good so far. If everything works to plan it will be half day Monday, one lecture on Tues (if i decide to go), one lecture on Wed (HMMMMMMM), half day (morning) Thurs, full day Fri. So finding time to fit in work shall be easy :)

#5. my UMAT is at 8AM.. like ZMGSH T__T dislikeDISLIKEdislike! I am not a morning person *sigh* can't believe it's in two weeks... *freaks out* nearly broke down about it yesterday too! gahgah, one step at a time!

#6. Still haven't blogged about BYM........... Ooopss... when I have time I will :)

EXAMS ARE OVERRRRRRRRRRR BABYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sigh. now just umat in a month...

you know. one of the worst feelings is knowing that you didn't make the cut. that you disappointed. that you're a failure.

i've already accepted the fact that i didn't get into medicine. both first time around and second.

when people ask me if i got in, i smile back and reply with a not yet. and it doesn't hurt saying that anymore. it doesn't hurt telling people that i'm still doing psychology, but i really want to get into med - i just haven't made the cut. having people ask, is just a reminder that people know how much i wanted it. and thats cool.

i've accepted it. i know i can't look back. i can only look foward.

some people think i'm 'great'. with so much 'potential'. youth of the year you know? what more could you ask for?

and i appreciate it when people say i have 'potential'. i appreciate it when they say that they think i'm 'great'. but i guess inside i just know that i wasn't 'great' enough to get in.

my parents have always had the biggest emotional impact on me. i've always had their expectations. and i always make my own expectations even higher than theirs. so when i do fall below their expectations - i am deeply cut, not only because i didn't meet theirs, but also because i fell short of my own.

i was so cut about not making interviews last year. although i showed very little emotion to my parents. inside i was just so heartbroken. how coukd i not be? it was everything i wanted. and to miss out a second time. it hurt.

and despite getting over it and moving on... every time my dad mentions how i failed the umat, like my life is joke, i am brought to tears.

he doesn't understand how much it hurt. it hurt me more than he could ever understand. it hurt me more than he realizes. and it hurts even more to be reminded of how much of a failure i am in my father's eyes.

he doesn't understand how hard it is. how hard it is for me. he complains about money, little does he realize that i paid for my own medentry course this year. and my own rego through acer.

all i need is support and encouragement.  not a reminder that i am a failure. because i know that already. but it still hurts everytime the words come out of your mouth.

it's easy for josh to tell me to prove him wrong. for him to point out how much i haven't been practising umat or haven't been studying hard. to tell me to be stronger, and that what he says doesn't matter.

but do you have any idea how it feels to know your parents think you're a failure? and despite the many of you who will tell me that i am not... even if i believe you, it doesn't change what my parents see, and might i add - constantly remind me of.

the past few weeks i have constantly felt like giving up.

i keep telling people that i'm doing a bsc, majorin in psyc and applied statistics. but i really want to do med instead. and it's true. i do. but i'm starting to question it more and more... to why it's not happening, if it's really for me? and maybe there's a long way to get to it, and that's what some have told me - but maybe there's not as well?

i feel like giving up on the umat. it's less than six months away. but i signed up to medentry anyways... but i still haven't done any drills. the motivation is not there. the drive. i don't know if i can take it anymore. i just want to give up.

sometimes i even feel like giving up, in my relationship with josh. sometimes i feel like we're constantly fighting. that we lack communication. that we're both changing for the worse. and it's weird, because i tell people all the time that we're going fine, but that main issues are things like his parents... because i know how stupid our fights would sound if i were to be truthful.

i don't want people to think our relationship is not going to last. that it is fragile. stupid even. but by not opening up, i'm just keeping all the issues to myself. soon to explode.

when things go wrong at work. when i'm tired. when it's busy. when i can't take it anymore... i feel like giving up.

when i have plans and big ideas for making a difference. and i get set backs. i feel like giving up too. i tell people that they are just set backs, and just that. but to me, i know that it's not that easy.

when i look at myself and see who i am today. and who i want to become... and it seems unreachable...  i feel like giving up.

it's like i'm running a race. but falling at every hurdle. falling flat on my face. every time. what's going to keep me going? after every fall? what's going to pick me up? to keep my eyes on the end? and what's going to get me to that finish line?

because there is oh so much more to go.

i've barely got pass the start... and i already feel like giving up.

♦    the other day i emailed my mum telling her...

            i got a three & vodafone group interview offer today.

and her response?

            It should be UMAT interview instead!

♦    in the car today we were talking about uni fees and i was like "but my course isn't that expensive anyways" and my mother said my science degree is rubbish. and that i screwed up. thanks mum. you make me wanna study SO hard for my exams... ...

♦    ry's webcam has awesome functions. reminds me of a mac. i like it.

♦    if i think about it... i met An (right) by purposely sitting next to him in the first week of uni, and then introducing myself. i remember being like "WOAHH I HAVE A MATE WHO'S NAME IS AN NGUYEN TOO" then i found out he was ALSO vietnamese, left handed and plays dota and yes, got a tad freaked out xD.

♦    i met victa... during chemistry. again, first week of uni, i was doing the whole "sitting next to new people and introducing myself" thing... and sat next to Rina. and next to Rina was Victa... haha. I remember Victa asking Rina if she knew me x) because we were just talking here and there. And since... xD we've been sitting next to each other in chemistry all year!

♦    there is a guy called josh in my chemistry class. he's friends with chuan. and he has cool hair. once he wasn't sitting with us and i asked chuan once "where's your friend with the cool hair!" and he looked at me funny. haha.

♦    i have done 2 chapters out of 9 for psychology. T____T... but i feel like i really absorbed everything in those two chapters.

♦    vodaphone/three interview tomorrow....... =/ hmm... *dislike* group interviews.

♦    shouldn't have worn it today, just made me think about it even more to the point where i couldn't take it.

♦    heading out with the girls tonight for mels' bday... :) must reward myself for all the hbio study i've done... *green tea icecreammmmmmmmmmm* yuM!

♦    i think i have decided what my new blog link will be... was listening to a song and it sorta clicked :) will have to tweak it a bit because it's already taken *shakes fist*

that's it for now~

my boyfriend was playing baddy.

my best mate was at his cousins party.

even my parents were at some festival in the city.

i've been pretty good though, i've only cried twice.

first when kavin said he was sorry to hear it.

and secondly when my boyfriend asked me what my mum said.

oh and now, but it hasn't really stopped since he asked me that a few minutes ago.

parents are trying to be good. dad's being the usual and ignoring the situation altogether.

mum talked about postgrad options and focused on how hard it must be to get in as nonstandard  undergrad...

i don't know where to begin. people have already asked me what i'm going to do.

but the truth is that i don't know. i haven't thought about it, partly because i am in no state to do so.

on other news. angus and robertson called, but i was at work, dad said they were asking for an interview. it's the calender club thing i think. hopefully i get it (and hopefully its good pay). reddot gave a really good reference, the 2ic told me what she said to them today.

i had some really cool customers. just friendly. i haven't been able to talk to customers like that in a while, since i've rarely been on till, cauz i'm usually in charge. one of them even asked me what i was studying, and i told her science, but how i was trying to get into med. and she told me i'd get there eventually.

till was down again. sigh.  ~ $50 today. thats like down $175 over two days. that's insane.

oh yeah i wasn't meant to work today. well at least i didnt know i was meant to. got a call at like 10am saying "did u know u were meant to work today?" sigh. i tried to get out of it, but they had no one else. so didn't end up going to uni/sma... msged my instructor to cancel driving. BUT he somehow didn't get it (which is absurb because he always msgs me and stuff. so he does know how to use it..) and waited for me at uni =[ gah feel so bad... working tomorrow arvo. and most nights next week because we're refitting (ahhhh, reddot is attempting to make itself look better! but i doubt it'd be much better than tthe NEW reject shop which is popping up soon)

anyways. here's some answers to some questions that i know everyone will ask.

no.

nothing.

oh actually, prayer would be good.

i haven't thought about it yet. there are several options. continue bsc psyc, change to bsc biomed, change to a totally different course, defer for a yr and retake umat, or focus on just postgrad. i haven't decided. and i have a long way to go before i have to...

well if you want me to breakdown and burst into tears in front of you then you can give me a big hug and tell me it's going to be ok. otherwise just don't mention it and... be normal.

okay thats it for now. busy weekend ahead. sorry if i sound grumpy/emo/hostile.

it just had to come on my 8 months anno too =[

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