Monday, April 19, 2010
♥ failure
you know. one of the worst feelings is knowing that you didn't make the cut. that you disappointed. that you're a failure.
i've already accepted the fact that i didn't get into medicine. both first time around and second.
when people ask me if i got in, i smile back and reply with a not yet. and it doesn't hurt saying that anymore. it doesn't hurt telling people that i'm still doing psychology, but i really want to get into med - i just haven't made the cut. having people ask, is just a reminder that people know how much i wanted it. and thats cool.
i've accepted it. i know i can't look back. i can only look foward.
some people think i'm 'great'. with so much 'potential'. youth of the year you know? what more could you ask for?
and i appreciate it when people say i have 'potential'. i appreciate it when they say that they think i'm 'great'. but i guess inside i just know that i wasn't 'great' enough to get in.
my parents have always had the biggest emotional impact on me. i've always had their expectations. and i always make my own expectations even higher than theirs. so when i do fall below their expectations - i am deeply cut, not only because i didn't meet theirs, but also because i fell short of my own.
i was so cut about not making interviews last year. although i showed very little emotion to my parents. inside i was just so heartbroken. how coukd i not be? it was everything i wanted. and to miss out a second time. it hurt.
and despite getting over it and moving on... every time my dad mentions how i failed the umat, like my life is joke, i am brought to tears.
he doesn't understand how much it hurt. it hurt me more than he could ever understand. it hurt me more than he realizes. and it hurts even more to be reminded of how much of a failure i am in my father's eyes.
he doesn't understand how hard it is. how hard it is for me. he complains about money, little does he realize that i paid for my own medentry course this year. and my own rego through acer.
all i need is support and encouragement. not a reminder that i am a failure. because i know that already. but it still hurts everytime the words come out of your mouth.
it's easy for josh to tell me to prove him wrong. for him to point out how much i haven't been practising umat or haven't been studying hard. to tell me to be stronger, and that what he says doesn't matter.
but do you have any idea how it feels to know your parents think you're a failure? and despite the many of you who will tell me that i am not... even if i believe you, it doesn't change what my parents see, and might i add - constantly remind me of.
9:17 PM
