Thursday, April 21, 2011
♥ crappiness
Crappiness. noun. The state or condition of being crappy
well, it's 1:25am and it's definitely the best time to start talking about how crap my life currently is.
i hate my course. i hate how it's all theory. i know it'll become more practical later, but later is not now. and unfortunately i have to put up with now, now. i hate how i'm surrounded by nerds who know everything. i hate how i don't absorb information very well when i study. and i hate what i'm learning and i hate the pace we're forced to learn it at.
this whole major change in uni courses has totally turned my life around. not in the way that i thought it would. there's so much more stress involved. there's so much more work. there's so much change.
in my first year of university i made friends with random people in my lecture room who i went and sat randomly next too. this year i walk into a lecture room, and half the time, can't even be bothered talking to anyone, that i much prefer sitting in my own little corner. in fact, i rather just stay at home, and ilecture.
i have become totally antisocial to all these new people in my life. and for those who have been there for longer, i don't even feel like be social with them either - but i force myself to because i know it's good for me.
so why? why this antisocial / keep-to-myself attitude? i don't know! to be honest, i probably don't want to make new friends because i can't be bothered. but i should make the effort. but i don't want to. and right now i don't care that i'll spend the next 6 years like this. although by then i probably would have exploded.
 |
| this conversation is pointless. |
i'm sick of social chitchat. it reminds me of why i quit using msn, because conversations would usually just consist of "hello, how are you, good, okay gtg now, bye". meaningless chit chat. why bother, really, WHY? what's worse is hearing that people complain that you ignore them! well, i'm sorry, i was in the middle of an ilecture and i'm completely cramming for my upcoming exam, so no i don't really want to exchange meaningless chitchat right at this very moment because i really need all the time i can get right now. seriously, why must people be so sensitive? screw all this crap, i'm just going to sit by myself in a place where no one else goes so i can study without having to be paranoid about whether i stopped and talked enough to someone otherwise they chuck a sad.
 |
| NAWWWWWWW, don't cry baby! |
oh and not waving to people when i walk/drive past. seriously? SERIOUSLY? who cares!
say what? i should care about how sensitive people might feel or think of me? why should i? they don't know me, they don't know what i'm going through, they don't know how i feel, they don't know anything about me.
this is probably why i don't want to make friends - because i might forget to wave and smile to them... or stop to talk to them in the library.... i don't want to have to consciously be aware of how i might hurt their feelings. that takes effort... effort i can not be bothered giving right now.
i'm better off living in my own little bubble.
even my boyfriend starting throwing diagnostic questions at me because he thinks i have depression -___-" seriously? SERIOUSLY?
yup, definitely better living in my own bubble...
so off i go... into my own little world without all this crap.
see you again.... of course, only after i take some prozac.
Labels: depression, emo, life, medicine, uni
2:10 AM
