Wednesday, January 20, 2010

maybe i haven't been myself lately. but what defines 'me'?

i have always been that girl immersed in a large amount of extra curricular activities.

the girl who gets along with (most) her teachers and (most) of her friend's parents.

a control freak even. definately bossy. and a perfectionist or at least, strives to be.

independent... has been something i've always thought i was.

and failure is definately not something i find easy to deal with.

so what has my life amounted too in the past year? what did i accomplish in 2009?

well to be honest, i didn't do that much last year.. compared to previous years. but lets just focus on last year.

in 2009, i was a UWA first year bachelor of science student. a UMAT candidate. a facebooker. a zonta conference guest speaker. a YOTY on national tour. a superviser at reddot. a new casual at vodafone. a welcomer at church. a part of a lifegroup. a daughter. a sister. a girlfriend and a friend.

i look at that list of things and i feel like i have failed a greater part of them. as a student, i didn't score as well as i could have. as a umat candidate, i could have always done more. as a facebooker, i didn't spend my time well. as a conference guest speaker, i rushed writing my speech the night before. as a yoty, i've lost that closeness because i haven't kept in contact with them through the year. as a supervisor, i have been bossy and demanding. as a new casual, i have been careless and slow. as a welcomer, i have been lazy and unwilling. as part of a lifegroup, i could have contributed more. as a daughter, i have been rude, disrespectful and unhelpful. as a sister, i have been selfish, annoying and unfriendly. as a girlfriend, i have been insensitive, attachy and stubborn. as a friend, i have been neglectful, unhelpful and not there, when i should have been.

it's kinda sad because, i tell people that i stopped doing a lot of things last year because i wanted to focus on the umat, i wanted to focus on persuing my dreams. but even with that, i am not where i thought i would be. not where i want to be.

so yes, to me, 2009 was not my year. in fact, it was very much a year of failure for me. i believe i've failed to not only be where i want to be, but also to be who i want to be.

i want to be a good student. a person who makes a difference in their community. a hard worker. a helpful daughter. a friendly sister. a loving girlfriend. a trustworthy friend.

and most of all, i want to be one who trusts in God when the future looks dim. who relies on God through every obstacle. who shines God's love in every environment. who stands strong in Christ, when troubles come. who rests in Christ, when things get busy. who is full of the joy of the Lord (haha, JBBM!) when things don't go my way.

and that is the person i want to be.