Tuesday, September 7, 2010

you were my first love.

ahh i was so young and naive.

i remember i had liked you for a really long time. it was just a crush at first. all those years i had my eye on you.

and then you disappeared from my life for a year or two.. and the crush disappeared along with it. there were other boys while you weren't there. ones that were really nice to me... one's that made me feel special. and i fell for it, ever so stupidly.

and one day we somehow started talking again... and we became quite good friends... we would talk everyday... and then one day you told me that you liked me. and i told you that i liked you to. and the next day while walking to the bus, your friend grabbed our hands and put them hand in hand. it was the first time we held hands...

i thought we would last forever... i thought we were perfect for each other.

and then came the day you broke my heart.

breaking up with me was one thing... but not even talking to me tore me to pieces.

it took years to recover from that. and i must admit i was pretty stupid to try to move on, not long after.. when i knew i was still heartbroken from you.

i look back at that now, and i'm so glad we went through all of that while we were young and stupid. because i look at us now and i know that we are so different, that we would have never worked out. i'm so glad that it's over, that we have moved past it, and ended up being better friends than we ever were.

i like how we can look back and laugh at how stupid we were. laugh at the mistakes we made. and laugh at the hurt that once existed... and it's no where near awkward. i like how we look out for each other, got each other's backs... and have such a unique friendship that doesn't require constant maintenance.

i've been missing you lately. there are times where i need someone to talk to, and i know you're just a phone call away... but i can't bring myself to dial your number. normally it's second nature. i don't need even need to question whether or not your free to talk, free to pick me up, free to binge on icecream. but lately i have. and i know it's my fault. i know it's because of that fight we had. and i know that fight happened because i was angry at you. and i know you apologised already... but i guess... honestly... things never really went back to normal. and i wonder if they will...

i decided to let you live your life with the choices that you choose to make... and that means no more pestering or nagging or check ups... that's what you wanted, after all. 

i just hope you don't forget me in the process.

in the end i know you're always there for me if i really need you. but i miss having that second nature of dialing your number whenever i wanted to.

i didn't turn on my computer to blog about that actually...

in fact i turned on my computer and started to blog at 1am about the word 'love'.

because i remember after you i told myself that i would stop using that word.... it's a special word really. it's not something that should be thrown around lightly, which unfortunately is the reality in today's world.

i didn't use that word again for years. sometimes i'd use variations - luv... lurve... <3... s2..... but to me.. the word 'love' was different. it was more powerful, it had meaning, it was special... and i didn't want to throw it around so lightly like i use to.

haha i remember dating a boy and he told me that he loved me and i just couldn't bring myself to say it back.

As i begun to get older i started to realize that i was dating for the wrong reasons. that i was young. that all this heartache wasn't worth it... so i gave up on dating.

ahh that was until i met you... you were perfect. everything that i wanted. every tick for every box.. and for the ones that you didn't tick, you compensated with something else even more awesome.

you were amazing. not just your talent, skills, intelligence.. but your heart... your relationship with God... your passion... your personality... and you were pretty sweet too.

i wasn't sure at first. so i made us wait a couple of months. i wanted make sure everything was right for once. so i made sure we both crossed it by our parents first.

one day i was eating chicken terriyaki udon noodles from takas or mr samurai or something... we were in supreme court gardens. that was the day you first told me that you loved me. and no, i didn't say it back.

and i look back now at some of your emails and you would tell yourself that you could wait..

"the times when I tell myself, "one day she'll be able to say 'i love you too' ". I've been cautious about that, and that's why i don't bring it up, and I keep telling myself, "it doesn't matter, true love waits .." (metaphorically and literally) "

oh but i didn't let you pressure me into saying it. nah uh. i waited until i was sure. and that day eventually came.

 *sigh* the memories are so sweet. so were your emails, back then. oh and your letters. and the flowers.

it's been nearly *counts* nineteen months now, and i guess you could say things have changed. things didn't turn out as perfectly as i hoped it would. but relationships take work... effort... time.

some days i feel like giving up. today was one of them. and then i go back and read those emails... and i go back and read those blog entries where i was so completely head over heels for you.

and it reminds me of when i first fell in love with you... of why i first fell in love with you...

so much has changed hey?